Last night I had a dream that felt so real I woke up feeling disoriented. In my dream I was in another country, traveling to visit up the child we were apparently adopting. I was in a bus than in a taxi and then finally arrived to the area where they had the children. It was there they handed me a 18 month little girl, with light red hair a brown eyes. I just sobbed and sobbed, feeling so relieved to finally have the child I'd been longing for, my child in my arms. In the dream I held her and sang to her and played with her for a little while. When it became apparent that we would have to leave, I held her close and told her I would be back for her, and not to be sad that our home would be waiting for her. Even thinking about it now gives me chills.
I have learned that infertility is a part of who I am but it doesn't define me. The anger toward God that I struggled with, over the last few years especially, has dissipated as my dream of having children has changed. I know I will never become pregnant, be able to feel my baby move inside me, or experience child birth. But after eight years of mourning that broken dream, my dream has changed. I know someday I will have a houseful of children that probably look nothing like me or Alex, or each other for that matter. I can't wait for that day to come. I can't wait to get the referral of a waiting orphan and travel to their birth country to pick them up. I'm excited to find out more about surrogacy and see if that's a good path for us to take. I'm looking forward to become a foster mom and my home being a safe haven for children who need one.
Since Kristi & Doug are adopting from China right now I get a little taste of what the process will be like. We are getting excited as the wait is finally starting to seem not so endless. If all goes as planned she should be getting her referral by May. We are getting the baby blanket done, her bedroom furniture put together, and I went with Kris to register at Baby's 'R' Us. I'm excited for what parenthood has in store for them and waiting in anticipation for my new little niece.
I'm also feeling my "biological clock ticking". We’ve been married 6 years now, and nearly all of our close married friends have children already. We made a decision last year for Alex to pursue medical school while we are still “young” which means children are going to have to wait until the he starts residency, which is four years away. I'm aware that by making the decision to go through medical school we would be putting the dream of children on hold for a little while longer. And I'm okay with waiting. But when I wake from dreams like the one I had last night, I long for the little ones that someday will fill my aching empty arms.
6 comments:
I think we all experience hard times where we just wanna know "WHY?" I know I have been there...recently ;)
I don't know whether or not you saw my last post but I really think there is a plan for everyone.
It's hard when we are the one's facing the actual situation with outsiders looking in saying "it'll be okay..." I won't tell you "It'll be okay," because I know, in the longrun, it doesn't matter what I think...I know it hurts and I wish I could give you a big ole' hug right now! ((hug))
But, for what it's worth, I do hope you know that what you will someday do (possibly adopting) makes you a hero in my book ;)
Thanks Sheree! I read your posts daily even if I don't comment. And I really can relate to your last post, even if its "relating" in a different sort of way. Thanks for your encouragement and hugs:)
Janna, first off, (((hugs))) to you. I too have had dreams like that, where I finally have my own child in my arms, and when I wake up, it's such a let down. I feel like I will never be done grieving my permanent infertility... all I want is a baby, and the wait is so hard...:(
My friends all have kids now, and some of them are on their second child. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing in common with them.
We'll both get there someday!!!
Thank you Jodi! I agree I think the greiving will happing all my life, but it seems just get worse on certain days. ((Hugs))
I don't know you, but I was blog hopping and came across this post and felt I had to say something. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for the last five years while those around us have children at every turn. Its hard to be excited when you hear things like "we had to try for three months to get pregnant", what?!?! Are you kidding me??? I too had a dream, a few years ago, about a perfect little girl in Africa with the curliest hair you've ever seen. Last week we were told our baby was born and we could pick her up from Ghana in February. We'd never thought of Ghana but we kept ourselves open and knew that God had a plan for us. I know he does for you too. We'll keep you and your baby in our prayers.
I totally know what you mean Kirsten. Even close friends, who've struggled with infertility themselves, say hurtful things (unintentionally) when all I need is encouragement. How quickly some forget what it feels like to go though this unintended journey.
Thank you so much for posting! I'll be following your blog as you wait to pick up your little one! What a blessing she will be to you're life, a real dream come true!
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