Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Back on the upswing...

Last week was emotionally hard, but I think writing the last blog was cathartic for me. Writing usually is.
I feel better now. The really hard class I was taking is over (and I got an A!), and now I'm taking one that isn't as intense. I've been enjoying my classes so much that I am seriously considering going to seminary after I graduate. I LOVE teaching the cake decorating classes and feel much more confident now that I have my first full class under my belt. And I'm counting down 'til I move back home. Only 4 months and 1 week to go!

Thanks for the comments on my last blog! It helps to know that I'm not alone in my pain and that I'm supported even when I'm feeling crappy :)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Acceptance?!? Maybe more like denial (Warning - Infertility Rant)

So I posted a blog last week that was all about how I felt like I had finally reach that acceptance phase with my infertility, blah, blah, blah...

And then this last week I found out about three other friends who are pregnant and one is planning to start trying this spring.

And then I've watched all those friends put posts on facebook saying "Oh, I'm so happy I get to be a mommy in a few months" and " I LOVE being pregnant" and "woo hoo! just bought my first maternity clothes!"

Several have called to give me the good news themselves, than explain that they vomited on themselves or that they are scared of childbirth. I'm trying to be there for them. I want to be that person that they can talk to about this stuff. Is that too much to expect? yes, I know your answer

I'm excited for them and thrill for the little blessings they will have. But I can't help but have that feeling. You know, when you ask yourself "when is it going to be my turn?"

I feel that same feeling of being so ready to be a mom. To hold my baby and chase my three year old through the house. To work on a quilt for my child. For someone to plan a shower for me.

I know I sound incredibly selfish. That's more lovely guilt I'm carrying.

And its not helping when well meaning friends say "its only a few more years - enjoy them!" (I've been waiting a few years already) or "you'll forget how bad infertility hurts as soon as you hold your first little one" (how is that suppose to make me feel good right now when holding my baby seems so far away?) Its not helping that I haven't been able to sleep and my emotions are all over the place.

One of the crappiest things about infertility is that I have never been able to fully enjoy my friends being pregnant around me. How awful is that? I feel excited and depressed, guilty and frustrated, all in the same breath.

Guess its time for more therapy. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The dreaded 40lbs

I have struggled with my weight off and on over the last 10 years. I am a typical stress eater. When I am under a lot of stress, I eat and eat and eat. I know that keeping my weight in check will be a lifelong discipline that I really need to develop. So I thought maybe putting my weight loss/gain in pictures it might help motivated me even more to get it off and keep it off FOR GOOD! (Seriously, I have no idea what has inspired me to put the worst pictures of me online - maybe because sugar is no longer flowing through my veins..... at least I can't be accused of not "keeping it real")

I gained about 30lbs my first year of marriage.
This is me at my wedding in April 2002:

And this is me in December 2002 with the Hubbs and my bro (he's in uniform):

I lost that 30lbs in a month by doing Atkins that spring, and managed to keep it off for about a year.
December 2003

But before long the weight started creeping back until I was caring the 40lbs yet again.
January 2005

That summer I got really serious. I did Weight Watchers, started exercising and for the first time, took really good care of myself. It took 8 months, but I got all 40lbs off in time for our vacation to Hawaii.

March 2006

I actually keep the weight off that time for several years. I stuck to weight watchers (occasionally throwing in slim fast) and bought a treadmill which I used several times a week.

November 2006

July 2007

Christmas 2007

I was doing really good until we found out Alex got into med school. Than the stress eating began again and it has continued without end.
This is me right before we left for med school
April 2008

And this is me now:

I have gained 30 lbs since Alex started med school. Seems only fitting to go back home weight what I was when I left:)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I recently found out that my sis-in-law is 8 weeks pregant. She and her husband had been trying, but it caught her off-guard that it happened so fast. I'm thrilled for her and so excited that I will have a new little niece or nephew this August.

I have been dreading this phone call for a long time. I know other infertiles understand. Sometimes it hard to be happy for someone when you have been trying so hard for the very thing they've received so easily.

But this was different. I refuse to let my infertility cause me to miss this important part of my sis-in-law's life. I read the phrase once that said "I am infertile, but my infertility doesn't define me." I'm trying harder to live that out.

I talked to my sister (who is a fellow infertile) about this and she said that I've reached the "acceptence" stage. I felt for a long time that my life wouldn't start until I have children. I've learned that my life is moving around me and I can't just sit and wait until that dream comes true. It's time for me to moving forward and set other dreams.

My dream of having a house full of babies will come true - someday. Acceptance is giving my dreams to God and trusting that He knows the best time for our dreams to happen.

Its such a release to finally feel truly happy watching my friends and families dreams of parenthood come true.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Like Christmas in January...

I'm really enjoying my new job. It's a great way of keeping my skills up, and cake decorating is just so much fun to teach. As a teacher, I choose what classes I teach - and I just love the project classes. Most of the cake decorating classes are two hours, one day a week, for four weeks. The project classes are just one day, two hour classes that teach you how to do spicific Wilton projects. For example, last month I taught a cookie bouquet class, this month I'm teaching a candy making class, ect.

One of the things I absolutely LOVE about my new job is the fantastic deals I am able to get on my cake decorating and candy making supplies. One of the reasons why I love to sign up for the "project classes" (candy making, Brownies, cookies) is because the company gives me a killer discount on the supplies we need for the classes.

I was thrilled today when my first package from Wilton arrived - with everything I need for my candy class at the end of this month! It's like Christmas all over again!!!

The hubb's has been harassing me a bit, saying that I'm probably spending as much as I make. I'm figure I'm just working to afford my hobby!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Exciting things to come...

We found out today that Alex will be doing his 3rd year rotations in Fresno, and I've been ecstatic every since I found out (I was literally jumping up and down in my kitchen after he called with the news). That means we are moving home!!! I've missed my family and friends so much! It will be wonderful to have family and friends around when Alex is putting in so many hours at the hospital.

This also means that we are moving back into our house! We have a beautiful 1700 sq ft house in Fresno that I have missed so much. No more trying to squeeze all our stuff in a tiny apartment :)

Here's a picture of the beautiful home I get to move back to....

Such a good way to start the new year. Moving home is something wonderful that I get to look forward to :)