So I posted a blog last week that was all about how I felt like I had finally reach that acceptance phase with my infertility, blah, blah, blah...
And then this last week I found out about three other friends who are pregnant and one is planning to start trying this spring.
And then I've watched all those friends put posts on facebook saying "Oh, I'm so happy I get to be a mommy in a few months" and " I LOVE being pregnant" and "woo hoo! just bought my first maternity clothes!"
Several have called to give me the good news themselves, than explain that they vomited on themselves or that they are scared of childbirth. I'm trying to be there for them. I want to be that person that they can talk to about this stuff. Is that too much to expect? yes, I know your answer
I'm excited for them and thrill for the little blessings they will have. But I can't help but have that feeling. You know, when you ask yourself "when is it going to be my turn?"
I feel that same feeling of being so ready to be a mom. To hold my baby and chase my three year old through the house. To work on a quilt for my child. For someone to plan a shower for me.
I know I sound incredibly selfish. That's more lovely guilt I'm carrying.
And its not helping when well meaning friends say "its only a few more years - enjoy them!" (I've been waiting a few years already) or "you'll forget how bad infertility hurts as soon as you hold your first little one" (how is that suppose to make me feel good right now when holding my baby seems so far away?) Its not helping that I haven't been able to sleep and my emotions are all over the place.
One of the crappiest things about infertility is that I have never been able to fully enjoy my friends being pregnant around me. How awful is that? I feel excited and depressed, guilty and frustrated, all in the same breath.
Guess its time for more therapy. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought.
And then this last week I found out about three other friends who are pregnant and one is planning to start trying this spring.
And then I've watched all those friends put posts on facebook saying "Oh, I'm so happy I get to be a mommy in a few months" and " I LOVE being pregnant" and "woo hoo! just bought my first maternity clothes!"
Several have called to give me the good news themselves, than explain that they vomited on themselves or that they are scared of childbirth. I'm trying to be there for them. I want to be that person that they can talk to about this stuff. Is that too much to expect? yes, I know your answer
I'm excited for them and thrill for the little blessings they will have. But I can't help but have that feeling. You know, when you ask yourself "when is it going to be my turn?"
I feel that same feeling of being so ready to be a mom. To hold my baby and chase my three year old through the house. To work on a quilt for my child. For someone to plan a shower for me.
I know I sound incredibly selfish. That's more lovely guilt I'm carrying.
And its not helping when well meaning friends say "its only a few more years - enjoy them!" (I've been waiting a few years already) or "you'll forget how bad infertility hurts as soon as you hold your first little one" (how is that suppose to make me feel good right now when holding my baby seems so far away?) Its not helping that I haven't been able to sleep and my emotions are all over the place.
One of the crappiest things about infertility is that I have never been able to fully enjoy my friends being pregnant around me. How awful is that? I feel excited and depressed, guilty and frustrated, all in the same breath.
Guess its time for more therapy. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought.
4 comments:
HUGS! I know exactly how you feel. How is it even possible to be so happy for and so envious of one person all at the same time?
Janna, I totally get EVERYTHING you just said. EVERYTHING!!! I try to look at the bright side, that we will be mommies someday too, but gosh darnit, we want our "someday" to be right now also!
I think that no matter how much therapy you get, or even when we are mommies, that stab of pain when hearing about a pregnancy will never go away. It's so easy for them, and not for us. I want that stab of pain to go away entirely, but unfortunately I don't think it ever will. You can't erase infertility, especially in cases like ours!
Hugs to you! I'm here whenever you need a shoulder!
I'm sorry Janna. The truth is, unless someone is going through the same thing, they can't really offer advice...just support. I think you have every right to be feeling the emotions you are feeling. And of course, the guilt is bound to show up, but do not blame yourself.
((hugs))
Hi Janna. It's more than fine to feel the way you do.
I swung like a pendulum from being ok to wanting to scream. I would be ok for a while and then suddenly not.
And to be honest I never got over the pain of seeing some people pregnant. With others it didn't hurt at all. The hard thing was that I didn't know (until it happened) who's pregnancy would hurt and who's would not.
This trial is so incredibly hard and it hurts a lot. Until you have walked the path you do not know how it feels. And you never forget either- and I don't want to.
Hnag in there and go easy on yourself when you are feeling down. You are going through something huge and those who love you will understand.
Much love xxxx
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