Learning my Limits

One of the best things about being at home was going back to Grace Place and seeing friends. One of the worse things about going to Grace place was watching all my friends children running all over the place after church. Don't get me wrong, I love their kids. They are all precious and beautiful. But it reminds me of why I had to stop going to Grace Place last year. It was just too painful to watch everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies while I had empty arms.

I'd be lying if I told you I backed out of Lynae's New Years BBQ just because I was tired. She confirmed to me later what I expected would happen at the party. All but two of the couples there had children. The guys went outside to talk and BBQ while the ladies sat inside and talked about their children. And childbirth. And nursing. And aches and pains. And when I heard this I ached for the two women who didn't have children, because I know them and their struggle with infertility as well. And I realised that if I was there I would have had to go home. It would have been too much. I'm grateful that I know how much I can take.

I have peace within the pain right now. I don't really know how to describe it. I know the Lord is in control, and I have peace with his timing. But I've also gotten to a point where I know my own limits. Hanging out one on one with my friends and their kids is so much fun. I love sitting and visiting while playing with their little ones. But group settings are my struggle. Because the conversation usually turns to what is most important to everyone there - the children. And I know when I have children I will be there talking up a storm. But for now, I'm okay knowing with what I can and can't handle. And not all days are like this. I knew Thursday morning when I woke up it would be too hard for me. It may have not been as hard the week before.

A few weeks ago I bought a baby toy. Its a little stuffed baby lion that plays "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". You may see this as a torture devise, but I see it as a reminder of God's promise. That He will always take care of me. That He knows my deepest dreams and desires. And that one day I will have the children I've been waiting for.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses (from the Amplified Bible)

Isaiah 30:18
"And therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him!"