My First Award!

I haven't been online much the last few weeks because school has kept me very busy. But today I turned in the last assignment for my Christian Counseling class and I thought I'd spend a little time today catching up on my faviorate blogs.

I was so excited to find out that my friend Sammy, who was one of the first blogs I started following, sent me this award! Thank you so much, dear friend!

The rules:

1.Say thank you and link pass to the blogger(s) who awarded this to you.

2.Pass it on to other bloggers that you've recently discovered.

3.Link them and notify them.

4.Say 7 things about yourself.

So here are the ladies I'm awarding this too:
 
Launa 
Sheree 
Jamie
Tracy
 
Now for the 7 things about myself
 
1. I'm not a big fan of make-up. If I could go out in public without any on I would go for it in a heartbeat, but my skin just isn't that good.
2. I love changing my hair color. Last year alone I went from dark brown, to red, to burgandy, to light brown with highlights.
3. I'm obsessed with DIY, low cost home improvement and decorating ideas. I buy decorators magagzines and research paint colors online.  Its a sickness, I know....
4. I went on a mission trip to China when I was 19 and smuggled bibles accross the border. It was awesome and I'll have to blog about that someday.
5. My faviorate potato chip is salt and vinegar
6. I have to keep my hair cut short because it is so sparse. And no, that has nothing to do with how much I dye it - I went 3 years without any color change and still my hair falls out fast. I love long hair but it doesn't work with my genetic makeup
7. I love zebra print. Not a big fan of other animal prints but my obsession with zebras will have to carry over to another post another day...
 
 
 

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This little guy has stolen the hearts of my whole family! If you followed my posts this summer, you know that my sister, Kristi, and her husband, Doug, had been waiting 3 years to adopt a child from China when they received the referal for this special little 2.5 year old boy! He came into their home and hearts in July and we've been capitivated ever since.

Its amazing how much energy he has! He just turned three on New Years day and his English is catching up quickly with his age group. He is SOOOO attached to Mama and Daddy! And I'm delighted that everytime I call Kristi he asks to talk to "Auntie Janna"!

Adoption is awesome. I love being an Aunt.

Wordless Wednesday

Back on the upswing...

Last week was emotionally hard, but I think writing the last blog was cathartic for me. Writing usually is.
I feel better now. The really hard class I was taking is over (and I got an A!), and now I'm taking one that isn't as intense. I've been enjoying my classes so much that I am seriously considering going to seminary after I graduate. I LOVE teaching the cake decorating classes and feel much more confident now that I have my first full class under my belt. And I'm counting down 'til I move back home. Only 4 months and 1 week to go!

Thanks for the comments on my last blog! It helps to know that I'm not alone in my pain and that I'm supported even when I'm feeling crappy :)

Acceptance?!? Maybe more like denial (Warning - Infertility Rant)

So I posted a blog last week that was all about how I felt like I had finally reach that acceptance phase with my infertility, blah, blah, blah...

And then this last week I found out about three other friends who are pregnant and one is planning to start trying this spring.

And then I've watched all those friends put posts on facebook saying "Oh, I'm so happy I get to be a mommy in a few months" and " I LOVE being pregnant" and "woo hoo! just bought my first maternity clothes!"

Several have called to give me the good news themselves, than explain that they vomited on themselves or that they are scared of childbirth. I'm trying to be there for them. I want to be that person that they can talk to about this stuff. Is that too much to expect? yes, I know your answer

I'm excited for them and thrill for the little blessings they will have. But I can't help but have that feeling. You know, when you ask yourself "when is it going to be my turn?"

I feel that same feeling of being so ready to be a mom. To hold my baby and chase my three year old through the house. To work on a quilt for my child. For someone to plan a shower for me.

I know I sound incredibly selfish. That's more lovely guilt I'm carrying.

And its not helping when well meaning friends say "its only a few more years - enjoy them!" (I've been waiting a few years already) or "you'll forget how bad infertility hurts as soon as you hold your first little one" (how is that suppose to make me feel good right now when holding my baby seems so far away?) Its not helping that I haven't been able to sleep and my emotions are all over the place.

One of the crappiest things about infertility is that I have never been able to fully enjoy my friends being pregnant around me. How awful is that? I feel excited and depressed, guilty and frustrated, all in the same breath.

Guess its time for more therapy. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought.

The dreaded 40lbs

I have struggled with my weight off and on over the last 10 years. I am a typical stress eater. When I am under a lot of stress, I eat and eat and eat. I know that keeping my weight in check will be a lifelong discipline that I really need to develop. So I thought maybe putting my weight loss/gain in pictures it might help motivated me even more to get it off and keep it off FOR GOOD! (Seriously, I have no idea what has inspired me to put the worst pictures of me online - maybe because sugar is no longer flowing through my veins..... at least I can't be accused of not "keeping it real")

I gained about 30lbs my first year of marriage.
This is me at my wedding in April 2002:



And this is me in December 2002 with the Hubbs and my bro (he's in uniform):


I lost that 30lbs in a month by doing Atkins that spring, and managed to keep it off for about a year.
December 2003


But before long the weight started creeping back until I was caring the 40lbs yet again.
January 2005


That summer I got really serious. I did Weight Watchers, started exercising and for the first time, took really good care of myself. It took 8 months, but I got all 40lbs off in time for our vacation to Hawaii.

March 2006


I actually keep the weight off that time for several years. I stuck to weight watchers (occasionally throwing in slim fast) and bought a treadmill which I used several times a week.

November 2006


July 2007


Christmas 2007



I was doing really good until we found out Alex got into med school. Than the stress eating began again and it has continued without end.
This is me right before we left for med school
April 2008


And this is me now:


I have gained 30 lbs since Alex started med school. Seems only fitting to go back home weight what I was when I left:)

Acceptance...

I recently found out that my sis-in-law is 8 weeks pregant. She and her husband had been trying, but it caught her off-guard that it happened so fast. I'm thrilled for her and so excited that I will have a new little niece or nephew this August.

I have been dreading this phone call for a long time. I know other infertiles understand. Sometimes it hard to be happy for someone when you have been trying so hard for the very thing they've received so easily.

But this was different. I refuse to let my infertility cause me to miss this important part of my sis-in-law's life. I read the phrase once that said "I am infertile, but my infertility doesn't define me." I'm trying harder to live that out.

I talked to my sister (who is a fellow infertile) about this and she said that I've reached the "acceptence" stage. I felt for a long time that my life wouldn't start until I have children. I've learned that my life is moving around me and I can't just sit and wait until that dream comes true. It's time for me to moving forward and set other dreams.

My dream of having a house full of babies will come true - someday. Acceptance is giving my dreams to God and trusting that He knows the best time for our dreams to happen.

Its such a release to finally feel truly happy watching my friends and families dreams of parenthood come true.