The Dream

Last night I had a dream that felt so real I woke up feeling disoriented. In my dream I was in another country, traveling to visit up the child we were apparently adopting. I was in a bus than in a taxi and then finally arrived to the area where they had the children. It was there they handed me a 18 month little girl, with light red hair a brown eyes. I just sobbed and sobbed, feeling so relieved to finally have the child I'd been longing for, my child in my arms. In the dream I held her and sang to her and played with her for a little while. When it became apparent that we would have to leave, I held her close and told her I would be back for her, and not to be sad that our home would be waiting for her. Even thinking about it now gives me chills.

I have learned that infertility is a part of who I am but it doesn't define me. The anger toward God that I struggled with, over the last few years especially, has dissipated as my dream of having children has changed. I know I will never become pregnant, be able to feel my baby move inside me, or experience child birth. But after eight years of mourning that broken dream, my dream has changed. I know someday I will have a houseful of children that probably look nothing like me or Alex, or each other for that matter. I can't wait for that day to come. I can't wait to get the referral of a waiting orphan and travel to their birth country to pick them up. I'm excited to find out more about surrogacy and see if that's a good path for us to take. I'm looking forward to become a foster mom and my home being a safe haven for children who need one.

Since Kristi & Doug are adopting from China right now I get a little taste of what the process will be like. We are getting excited as the wait is finally starting to seem not so endless. If all goes as planned she should be getting her referral by May. We are getting the baby blanket done, her bedroom furniture put together, and I went with Kris to register at Baby's 'R' Us. I'm excited for what parenthood has in store for them and waiting in anticipation for my new little niece.

I'm also feeling my "biological clock ticking". We’ve been married 6 years now, and nearly all of our close married friends have children already. We made a decision last year for Alex to pursue medical school while we are still “young” which means children are going to have to wait until the he starts residency, which is four years away. I'm aware that by making the decision to go through medical school we would be putting the dream of children on hold for a little while longer. And I'm okay with waiting. But when I wake from dreams like the one I had last night, I long for the little ones that someday will fill my aching empty arms.

Cassy and Janna do San Francisco!

I have been missing my best friend, Cassy, something terrible since we moved. And because of her work schedule and financial reasons she hasn't been able to come up and visit. So I was thrilled to find out a few weeks ago that she was coming to visit for her birthday! Of course we had to plan something big, so we decided that a day in San Francisco was the thing to do.

She came up Monday night and we went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday (10/25) and Alex's bday (10/27) as well as my quitting my job(see previous post). Tuesday I had the day off so we took the ferry from Vallejo into SF. We spent the day window shopping on Pier 39, watching the sea lions, and walking around Fisherman's Wharf. We talked so much my jaw was hurting by the time we were ready to head home. There's nothing quite like spending a day with your best friend.

Cassy & I on Pier 39 (see the sea lions behind us?)

Taking a break from shopping
Even sea lions itch!
Cass watching our fave free entertainment
Our ferry coming to take us home
"Port of an Francisco!" the "S" was burned out
Enjoying the view leaving the city on the ferry

Bye, Bye, B of A!

I put in my two weeks notice on Monday. My last day at BoA is on November. And no I do not have another job lined up. I plan on working at a temp agency because that will give me the flexibility I would like, so I can go home and visit my family much more!

And as kamikaze as this all sounds, Alex and I are both a peace with it. He is the one who encouraged me to give my notice this week. Last week was horrible (to say . the least - I came home from work on friday in tears.)I have refrained from talking about my job on here because this is a PUBLIC blog and I wouldn't want to post things that could get back to my boss. Lets just say it has been a VERY STRESSFUL position for me, to the point where I have been physically ill. So this is a much anticipated and very exciting change!

One step forward...

I have great news that I almost forgot to tell ya!

A few weeks ago I applied for a position with Sonoma County. It's an "Project" administration position that only last 24 months, but has full county benefits a EXCELLENT pay. By excellent I mean take my current salary and double it. That's the starting pay. I applied for this job and answered some very detailed questions about my previous skills and past experience in administrative work.

I must have done well on the application because I found out today that I'm invited to take the written test. They are only doing the test one day and from what I understand, the applicants who score the highest are invited to a interview.

Now I'm asking for all your prayers that I do well on this test! If you send me an email I'll let you know the date and time.

PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!

Do you see what I see?

I went to the eye doctor last week and discovered that the reason I have been having trouble driving at night and getting headaches a work (okay, maybe not the only reason for the headaches) is because I am slightly farsighted and need glasses. Fun.

I was not looking forward to glasses. I've never worn glasses. And they made me pick out my frames after they dilated my eyes. So I picked out a pair I like the best which, the strangers at the doctors office also agreed looked the nicest(which happen to be one of the least expensive and covered by my insurance - woo hoo!) and hoped that I wouldn't look goofy.

I wore them today at work and, what do ya know, I really like them! I was complimented several times today, and best of all, no headaches! I think adjusting to glasses is going to be easier for me than I expected.

Maybe now I'll read more?!? I seem to have the librarian look down!

Two for Tuesday

This is the last cake I did before moving. I miss doing cakes! Which leads me to missing my old kitchen (if you saw it you know why I miss it!), because it is SOOOO hard to get out all my stuff and work on cakes in this kitchen. Maybe I need to start making cupcakes.... hummm.... there is a "Sugar Marshmallow Cupcake" recipe I've been wanting to try. It's lemon chiffon cupcakes with swiss meringue buttercream frosting garnished with marshmallow and colored nonpareil "flowers". Might have to try that and then post about them!

Lately I've been dreaming and scheming of ways I could actually go to the Culinary Institute of America for the Baking and Pastry Chef program. Haven't come up with anything yet, but I'm still working on it. Sometimes it feels like I dream in colored buttercream frosting.

A picture says a thousand words

"Napa's been fun. Can we go home now?"

Wine Tasting Pictures!

Almost forgot! Mom and Aunt Jan came down two weeks ago to go wine tasting and we had a blast. Just wanted to post a few pix!


Mom and Jan in front of the Culinary Institue of America




Mom and I wine tasting on a cave tour








Mom and Jan tasting the BEST WINE EVER (I forget what it was called)

No News...

I have not been good at updating lately! Mainly because there's not much to tell. I'm still waiting to hear back from CIA about the job I applied for last week. I'll definitely update if I hear anything new about that!

So I guess I'll share my "hair story" with y'all. I went in and had my hair cut 3 weeks ago and the lady did a nice job, just not what I wanted. I wanted a cute, short cut, and I think she was afraid of cutting my hair short because I got a bob with bangs.

Here's the bob:

So I tried to live with it for the last few weeks. I received so many compliments at work on how nice it looked. I ended up having to straighten my hair everyday in order for it to have this cute piecy look I really wanted. And I had no clue what to do with the bangs. Oh, and a side note, Alex absolutely hated my haircut.

So yesterday, after finally feeling like there was no way that I wanted to keep messing with my hair like this or grow it out, I made an appointment at different salon that was recommended by a friend at work. I told her what I wanted and she made EXTRA sure that I REALLY wanted my hair THAT short. I confirmed I did and away my hair went.

Now I have my PERFECT HAIRCUT!!


I don't know if the photo does it justice but its a cute, piecy pixie cut. I makes my hair look fuller (a figment of the imagination) and flatters my face! I know the girls are all going to gasp when I walk into work tomorrow and tell me I'm crazy and I'll hear: "Your hair is so short! I would never dream of cutting my hair shorter than my shoulders!" I don't even care because I love it so much. (Its not my fault all that the girls I work with have long thick hair and I ended up with this thin mess to work with:)

Alex told me its the best haircut he's seen on me in years :)

Two more things I forgot to mention...

I cut my hair! Just in case you voted and was waiting to hear what I did. I have bangs too! I'll post a picture as soon as I can get a good one!

Mom found a posting for a job opening that I am perfect for at the CIA (Culinary Institute of America). I sent in my resume and now am just waiting to hear back. Keep me in your prayers!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Every weekend this last month has been filled with something to keep me away from bloggerland! Sept 18-20 I went to San Jose to meet Mom, Kristi and Beth, as well as Lynae and her mom, to attend an Joyce Meyers Confrence. It was awesome and I beleive all of us left feeling refreshed and more on fire for the Lord. Than the weekend following that, Alex and I met a few of my coworkers at Great America and spent the day there. It was a lot of fun, but I don't think I was a good idea to use my only day off that week to go on another trip!
Last weekend was the highlight of my month that I've been looking forward to since we move here! Mom and Aunt Jan came up to visit and do a "girls wine tasting weekend". It worked perfectly because Alex went on a men's retreat so it was truely just us girls. We dined and wonderful restraunts, and hit a few nice wineries to sample some wonderful wines. We even went to the Culinary Institute of America in St. Helena and watched a cooking demostration. Now I know how to make a wonderful shrimp Risottio!!!
Anyway just wanted to fill ya'all in just in case you thought I dropped of the face of the earth!