Marriage, Medicine & Ministry

A (school) update for the New Year

2011-01-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't posted here for awhile... oops! Guess its time for an update?

We've been "home" (Fresno) now for 6 months and it has been wonderful. I love being back in our house, having friends to hang out with, being involved in our little church and being close to family again. I'm currently working part time for my parents company (my old job, kinda) doing accounts payable. Overall, I'm just really thrilled to be back home:)

Alex is doing great in his core rotations. He is half way through the year and has finished 8 weeks of family medicine, 8 weeks of internal medicine and 6 weeks of pediatrics. He's currently finishing up Ob/Gyn (his least fave, but its almost over). By far his favorite has been pediatrics which has cemented his plan to pursue pediatric oncology as his speciality. That means after he graduates next year he will do a 3 year residency in pediatrics then apply for a 3 year fellowship in pediatric oncology. Lots of training ahead but it will be worth it in the long run, as we continue to pursue where God is leading us.

So the rest of this (school) year is going to look something like this: he finished his Ob/Gyn rotation in two weeks, then he gets two weeks of vacation (woo hoo!) followed by 4 weeks of pediatric oncology elective here in Fresno at Children's Hospital. Then he will do 8 weeks of surgery in Hanford, followed by 4 weeks of psych in Benicia, and 4 weeks of Adult Oncology in Sacramento. I feel so blessed that the Lord has opened up so many rotations here that he only has to leave for 8 weeks. We are still trying to work out the details of living arrangements when he's up north again, but we have a little while to figure it all out still.

That's enough news for one post. I'll post more later:)

In the Home Stretch (Pun Intended)

2010-06-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

Our "Big Move" is only 2 days away!

Packing has been interesting. We seem to have (again) collected more stuff that we need (specifically clothes, fabric, and shoes - all mine of course). I'm sure the trips to Home Depot for more boxes will continue throughout the weekend. The biggest challenge is trying to get all our laundry clean before we move because I hate moving several hampers of dirty laundry from one place to the other. However, since my tiny apartment washer and dryer can only wash 3 towels at a time and we have let a few too many baskets pile up, we may be waiting on washing some until we get home.

I'm looking forward to having one of my best friends, Lynae, coming up from Fresno tonight and staying through Monday. Her company and motivation will make packing much easier - packing seems to go faster with good conversation :) She has two little kiddo's (and just found out there's one more on the way), so this is like a mini vacation for her and much needed girl time for us both.

Needless to say, I hope this is our last move for a long, long time...

(picture courtesy of www.bigappleboxes.com)

A Perfect Ending

2010-06-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

This week Alex has been busy getting ready for the ever stressful USMLE Step 1. This test is a big one, and his score will effect his choices of residency in the future. And the USMLE tests everything he has learned over the last two years. Just a little stressful!!!

Today was exam day, and I had agreed to take him to the testing center in Alameda, a town about 30 minutes away from us. We woke up early, make a quick stop at McDonald's for some coffee and McMuffins and we make it there with time to spare. Good thing too, because Alex, with all his nerves shot, had forgotten to bring a print out that he needed to get into the exam. A quick call to my parents fixed that (thanks for saving the day, mom and dad!) as they were able to print out the paper for him and then fax it into the testing center. It made for a very eventful morning to say the least!

I drove back to Martinez to get some packing done while he faced the grueling 8 hour test. I'm glad to say that at 4pm when I picked him up, my exhausted hubbs was feeling confident that he did well. Praise the Lord! Now we just have to wait two months to get the score.....

As we started heading back to Martinez, a thought occured to me: since we were really close to San Francisco (literally 3 miles away from the Bay Bridge), it was a beautiful day, and neither of us was in a hurry to face the traffic going home, why not stop for some clam chowder and ice cream on the Pier? It sounded great to us both!

So we had a nice dinner at the Boudin Restaurant overlooking the bay, and walked along the pier hand in hand eating Ben & Jerry's for dessert. It was the perfect ending to a stressful day. It was the perfect ending to the last two years that we've been here in the bay area. It was just perfect.

Exhausted but Happy

Almost Home... (updated with pictures)

2010-06-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

Things have been busy here with preparation for moving home! After over two months of not blogging I figured I would try to give an update for those who have been emailing me and asking "is everything OK? Why aren't you blogging?" I didn't realize that people actually still read my blog!

Alex finished his second year of Med school at the end of May and has been preparing for the first tests for the Medical Board Exams (called Step 1). He took the COMLEX (the Osteopathic Board Exam) last week and is taking the USMLE (Allelopathic Board Exam) this Friday. He feels confident that he did well on the COMLEX and is ready for what the USMLE has to dish out! Please keep him in your prayers! We are moving just three days after the USMLE and he starts his 3rd year rotations on June 21st, so he will really only get one week off! His first rotation is 8 weeks of Family Medicine, so at least he will have normal hours for the next 8 weeks.

I have been working with our missions team at church to prepare for our mission trip to Albania this summer. I leave for Albania on June 26th and we will be returning to the States on my birthday, July 11th. We will be hosting a summer camp for street kids and teenagers and I'm excited to see how God is going to use me there. (More on that to come in a future post..)

I forgot how much I miss being home and have really enjoyed my trips back to Fresno the last few months to get the house ready. With the help of my Dad, my brother and my sis-in-"love", we have replaced all the carpet in the living room and hallway with dark laminate wood floors and also repainted all the main rooms of the house. We also had the backyard done (which was previously all dirt) so now we actually have a patio and sidewalk and soon will have grass and sprinklers (which I know Audrey will appreciate!).

Pictures of my our house "in progress"

(My brother and sis-in-"love")

The floors are all in now, but there is still a lot to do: painting all the trim white, installing the baseboards, painting the doors, etc. I'm in Fresno now and am praying I can get it all done tomorrow so it will all be done before we move in.

Oh and the cement in my back yard which I'm so very happy about!!!

The grass will come next week but my flowerbeds and trees will have to wait for fall since Fresno's 110 degree summers aren't conducive to planting.
I'd better get packing.... only 8 days left...

Albania here I come...

2010-03-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

A few months ago our church asked for sign-ups for people who are interested in going on a mission trip this summer. And I signed up! I knew that with the 6 or so baby shower I would have to go to this summer and one that I’m hosting, that I really want something else to focus on.

I was so excited when one of the pastors called me today and asked if I want to be a part of the Albania team! The really cool part is that my pastor at Grace Place in Fresno, the one who married Alex and I, is leading the team and bringing two Life students. Our church up here, East Bay, is going to send 6 people - so I get to be a part of both of my church’s mission teams! What a great way to transition back home. I'm so excited!

As of now, I know that I will need ot raise $2400 and we are going June 26-July 10. We will be working with the full time missionaries that are working in that community. More details will come later.

Praise the Lord! I'm so excited about what God has in store for me!

Bad blogger

2010-03-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

I've been a horrible blogger lately. I think because I feel like I have nothing to write about. Well, actually I have a few things I want to write about, but I'm waiting to see if they pan out... does that leave you in suspense?

Mainly I've been really busy with school and work. My current class, Old Testament Foundations, is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but so worth the work. I'm learning so much and loving every (ok, maybe not every) minute of it. I think its good that the classes are hard - no one wants a pastor teaching on something that they don't understand. This is giving me a wonderful foundation for wherever God decides to lead us in ministry.

Work has been going pretty good. I end up spending the entire day I have to work trying to prep for my classes, so that’s been frustrating. Still, it’s been a good way to keep up with my skills. I’m a better decorator than I was 3 months ago. When I’m actually teaching, I love it. It’s the paperwork and prep that is starting to wear me out!

10 more weeks until we move back to Fresno, and I'm so ready to be home. It’s hard to believe that just 2 years ago Alex was finding out he got into Med School and we were going to be leaving. Time went by much faster than I thought it would.

Well, that’s a short update for now. I have a sermon outline due tonight (actually it was due Sunday!) that I need to get back to work on.

I'm growing

2010-03-19T01:26:00.000-07:00

School is changing me.

For one, its kicking my butt. I'm taking Old Testament Foundations right now and having to do a 3-5 page position paper and working on my exegetical class project each week (don't you just love the word exegetical? It just sounds hard!) I've gotten straight A's so far (that has never happened in my LIFE!) but this class may be the one that breaks that streak - I'm about a week behind trying to play catch up.

But I love it. I've never loved anything so much that has been so hard to do. I'm reading the Word and understanding it. I'm leading bible studies. I'm preparing sermon outlines. I'm going to be a pastor.

Yep, thats right. I'm going to be a pastor. Its finally sinking in. Its strange for me to realise that this is my call. I always thought Alex was going to be a pastor. Nope. God had a different plan for him. And for me.

I still don't know where it's going to lead. I don't think I'm supose to know right now. But I'm excited about what God has in store for me.

When everything is uncertain around me I know that Christ is the rock I can stand on. I feel at peace. He shows me grace and mercy. I am His beloved. And its finally sinking in...

My First Award!

2010-02-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't been online much the last few weeks because school has kept me very busy. But today I turned in the last assignment for my Christian Counseling class and I thought I'd spend a little time today catching up on my faviorate blogs.

I was so excited to find out that my friend Sammy, who was one of the first blogs I started following, sent me this award! Thank you so much, dear friend!

The rules:

1.Say thank you and link pass to the blogger(s) who awarded this to you.

2.Pass it on to other bloggers that you've recently discovered.

3.Link them and notify them.

4.Say 7 things about yourself.

So here are the ladies I'm awarding this too:

Launa
Sheree
Jamie
Tracy

Now for the 7 things about myself

1. I'm not a big fan of make-up. If I could go out in public without any on I would go for it in a heartbeat, but my skin just isn't that good.
2. I love changing my hair color. Last year alone I went from dark brown, to red, to burgandy, to light brown with highlights.
3. I'm obsessed with DIY, low cost home improvement and decorating ideas. I buy decorators magagzines and research paint colors online. Its a sickness, I know....
4. I went on a mission trip to China when I was 19 and smuggled bibles accross the border. It was awesome and I'll have to blog about that someday.
5. My faviorate potato chip is salt and vinegar
6. I have to keep my hair cut short because it is so sparse. And no, that has nothing to do with how much I dye it - I went 3 years without any color change and still my hair falls out fast. I love long hair but it doesn't work with my genetic makeup
7. I love zebra print. Not a big fan of other animal prints but my obsession with zebras will have to carry over to another post another day...

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

This little guy has stolen the hearts of my whole family! If you followed my posts this summer, you know that my sister, Kristi, and her husband, Doug, had been waiting 3 years to adopt a child from China when they received the referal for this special little 2.5 year old boy! He came into their home and hearts in July and we've been capitivated ever since.

Its amazing how much energy he has! He just turned three on New Years day and his English is catching up quickly with his age group. He is SOOOO attached to Mama and Daddy! And I'm delighted that everytime I call Kristi he asks to talk to "Auntie Janna"!

Adoption is awesome. I love being an Aunt.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T01:49:00.001-08:00

Back on the upswing...

2010-01-27T01:21:00.000-08:00

Last week was emotionally hard, but I think writing the last blog was cathartic for me. Writing usually is.
I feel better now. The really hard class I was taking is over (and I got an A!), and now I'm taking one that isn't as intense. I've been enjoying my classes so much that I am seriously considering going to seminary after I graduate. I LOVE teaching the cake decorating classes and feel much more confident now that I have my first full class under my belt. And I'm counting down 'til I move back home. Only 4 months and 1 week to go!

Thanks for the comments on my last blog! It helps to know that I'm not alone in my pain and that I'm supported even when I'm feeling crappy :)

Acceptance?!? Maybe more like denial (Warning - Infertility Rant)

2010-01-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

So I posted a blog last week that was all about how I felt like I had finally reach that acceptance phase with my infertility, blah, blah, blah...

And then this last week I found out about three other friends who are pregnant and one is planning to start trying this spring.

And then I've watched all those friends put posts on facebook saying "Oh, I'm so happy I get to be a mommy in a few months" and " I LOVE being pregnant" and "woo hoo! just bought my first maternity clothes!"

Several have called to give me the good news themselves, than explain that they vomited on themselves or that they are scared of childbirth. I'm trying to be there for them. I want to be that person that they can talk to about this stuff. Is that too much to expect? yes, I know your answer

I'm excited for them and thrill for the little blessings they will have. But I can't help but have that feeling. You know, when you ask yourself "when is it going to be my turn?"

I feel that same feeling of being so ready to be a mom. To hold my baby and chase my three year old through the house. To work on a quilt for my child. For someone to plan a shower for me.

I know I sound incredibly selfish. That's more lovely guilt I'm carrying.

And its not helping when well meaning friends say "its only a few more years - enjoy them!" (I've been waiting a few years already) or "you'll forget how bad infertility hurts as soon as you hold your first little one" (how is that suppose to make me feel good right now when holding my baby seems so far away?) Its not helping that I haven't been able to sleep and my emotions are all over the place.

One of the crappiest things about infertility is that I have never been able to fully enjoy my friends being pregnant around me. How awful is that? I feel excited and depressed, guilty and frustrated, all in the same breath.

Guess its time for more therapy. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought.

The dreaded 40lbs

2010-01-07T23:53:00.000-08:00

I have struggled with my weight off and on over the last 10 years. I am a typical stress eater. When I am under a lot of stress, I eat and eat and eat. I know that keeping my weight in check will be a lifelong discipline that I really need to develop. So I thought maybe putting my weight loss/gain in pictures it might help motivated me even more to get it off and keep it off FOR GOOD! (Seriously, I have no idea what has inspired me to put the worst pictures of me online - maybe because sugar is no longer flowing through my veins..... at least I can't be accused of not "keeping it real")

I gained about 30lbs my first year of marriage.
This is me at my wedding in April 2002:

And this is me in December 2002 with the Hubbs and my bro (he's in uniform):

I lost that 30lbs in a month by doing Atkins that spring, and managed to keep it off for about a year.
December 2003

But before long the weight started creeping back until I was caring the 40lbs yet again.
January 2005

That summer I got really serious. I did Weight Watchers, started exercising and for the first time, took really good care of myself. It took 8 months, but I got all 40lbs off in time for our vacation to Hawaii.

March 2006

I actually keep the weight off that time for several years. I stuck to weight watchers (occasionally throwing in slim fast) and bought a treadmill which I used several times a week.

November 2006

July 2007

Christmas 2007

I was doing really good until we found out Alex got into med school. Than the stress eating began again and it has continued without end.
This is me right before we left for med school
April 2008

And this is me now:

I have gained 30 lbs since Alex started med school. Seems only fitting to go back home weight what I was when I left:)

Acceptance...

2010-01-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

I recently found out that my sis-in-law is 8 weeks pregant. She and her husband had been trying, but it caught her off-guard that it happened so fast. I'm thrilled for her and so excited that I will have a new little niece or nephew this August.

I have been dreading this phone call for a long time. I know other infertiles understand. Sometimes it hard to be happy for someone when you have been trying so hard for the very thing they've received so easily.

But this was different. I refuse to let my infertility cause me to miss this important part of my sis-in-law's life. I read the phrase once that said "I am infertile, but my infertility doesn't define me." I'm trying harder to live that out.

I talked to my sister (who is a fellow infertile) about this and she said that I've reached the "acceptence" stage. I felt for a long time that my life wouldn't start until I have children. I've learned that my life is moving around me and I can't just sit and wait until that dream comes true. It's time for me to moving forward and set other dreams.

My dream of having a house full of babies will come true - someday. Acceptance is giving my dreams to God and trusting that He knows the best time for our dreams to happen.

Its such a release to finally feel truly happy watching my friends and families dreams of parenthood come true.

Like Christmas in January...

2010-01-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm really enjoying my new job. It's a great way of keeping my skills up, and cake decorating is just so much fun to teach. As a teacher, I choose what classes I teach - and I just love the project classes. Most of the cake decorating classes are two hours, one day a week, for four weeks. The project classes are just one day, two hour classes that teach you how to do spicific Wilton projects. For example, last month I taught a cookie bouquet class, this month I'm teaching a candy making class, ect.

One of the things I absolutely LOVE about my new job is the fantastic deals I am able to get on my cake decorating and candy making supplies. One of the reasons why I love to sign up for the "project classes" (candy making, Brownies, cookies) is because the company gives me a killer discount on the supplies we need for the classes.

I was thrilled today when my first package from Wilton arrived - with everything I need for my candy class at the end of this month! It's like Christmas all over again!!!

The hubb's has been harassing me a bit, saying that I'm probably spending as much as I make. I'm figure I'm just working to afford my hobby!

Exciting things to come...

2010-01-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

We found out today that Alex will be doing his 3rd year rotations in Fresno, and I've been ecstatic every since I found out (I was literally jumping up and down in my kitchen after he called with the news). That means we are moving home!!! I've missed my family and friends so much! It will be wonderful to have family and friends around when Alex is putting in so many hours at the hospital.

This also means that we are moving back into our house! We have a beautiful 1700 sq ft house in Fresno that I have missed so much. No more trying to squeeze all our stuff in a tiny apartment :)

Here's a picture of the beautiful home I get to move back to....

Such a good way to start the new year. Moving home is something wonderful that I get to look forward to :)

So, What's the plan?

2009-12-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

This is the question that has loomed over me. It's diffult to be at a place where we are both so ready to be parents but arn't able to do anything to make it happen. Putting my "plan" in writting is probably more carthitic than anything else, and it helps me to feel like we are headed somewhere. So here is my "plan" in a nutshell:

-In Junevwe will be moving to Fresno for Alex 3rd year of med school, which is hospital rotations. I've been told that the 3rd year is harder than this one, and it will be good to have friends an family around when Alex is spending so much time in the hospital. I will graduate from in May of 20ll with my BA in Ministry and will decided when I get closer to that what is next for my education.

- The 4th year Alex will be doing "away" or "interview" rotations at hospitals that he might want to do his residency at. Since he doesn't know what he wants to specialize in yet (he's mostly interested in surgery), we still have to wait and see what that year holds. He will also have to do a international rotation so he can finish his MPH at the same time as his doctorate. Luckily, he will get 8-12 weeks of vacation, which is when we hope to start the surrogacy process.

It will be interesting to see how that pans out. I have so many ideas of how I want things to happen but realistly

Got a Job

2009-11-18T10:03:00.000-08:00

I start my new job this Saturday! I'm going to be a Wilton cake decorating instructor at Joann's. This week is a cookie bouquet class. I'm nervous but I'm also excited. The bay is pretty good, and I'm considered an independent contractor, so its kinda like being self-employed. The great thing is that I can set my own schedule:)

Here's what my first project will look like:

I get to make money doing something I love!

Changes

2009-11-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile because Alex and I have had to make a very difficult decision. We are not going forward with adopting thru our current county. There were several reasons, but the main one is because we will be moving at the end of this school year.

When we started this, we had thought the process would move much faster. We also thought there was a good chance we would end up staying here for at least another year. With this new information, we both realised we we're just spinning our wheels. Since we don't have the money to pursue domestic adoption, it looks like it will be two years before reassess and decided how to start a family. We still really want to do foster adopt, but I'm not sure when exactly that will happen.

Alex starts rotations next year, and we could end up back in Fresno or in Michigan or even New York. We are hoping for Fresno since that's where all our friends and family are. But we are not in control, so we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, this has been several weeks in coming, and decided to finally post the news. I think I was putting of posting it because it feels so much more final when you put it in a blog. To say this sucks is a huge understatement, but it is what it is. And I do feel that this is the best decision for us right now, even if it is a hard decision.

"We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?" - Grey's Anatomy

When it rains, it pours!

2009-10-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

Get this - our first home study visit is TODAY! It turns out that we both were available this afternoon so at 4pm our home study starts. 24 hours ago I was wishing this would hurry up and now I'm amazed at how fast things are happening.

I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be. Today's appointment will be at their office and will only take about an hour. I think its mainly to give us more forms to fill out. I will probably be more nervous as the day goes on.

Oh, and it is literally pouring rain here, and has been since 4am, so at least if I look all frazzled at the appointment I can blame it on being wet :)

Good News!!!!

2009-10-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

We got the call from the social worker today!!! They want to get us in this week to start the first visits! Everything else with the county has taken a full month ahead of time to schedule so I'm thrilled to know we can do this so soon. God is so good.

I tried calling our county social worker today but they were closed for Columbus Day so I was going to try again tomorrow, but now I don't have to.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! (can't you just see me dancing around my living room with excitement:)

Blessings

2009-10-12T09:50:00.001-07:00

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

I'm a little embarrassed about my last blog. It seems as though I only get on here to vent about the wait. We really have so many great things going on in our lives. God has truly blessed us. And I don't mean blessings by material things, although I believe everything we have has come from the Lord. It's the intangible things I feel most blessed by- the close relationship we have to our parents and siblings, wonderful friends, the restoration of our marriage, and most importantly God's grace and His sacrifice for me.

I read John 1:16 last night as a part of my Beth Moore study "Beloved Disciple". I highly encourage anyone who can to go through one of her studies because it has been so moving for me. I was feeling down after writing my blog and decided it would be a good time to spend some time in the word. This was the verse of focus for yesterday's study and she went on to explain that original word for "blessing" in the bible is "charis" which is often translated to grace.

Charis means "grace that which affords joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm, loveliness: grace of speech, good will, loving-kindness, favour of the merciful kindness by which God, exerting his holy influence upon souls, turns them to Christ, keeps, strengthens, increases them in Christian faith, knowledge, affection, and kindles them to the exercise of the Christian virtues"

Isn't that beautiful? God is blessing me by keeping me strengthened.

Charis is a name Alex and I had picked out if we have a daughter. So this verse was inspiring because I felt like the Lord met me where I was at. I don't know if I would have been as into it if she hadn't gone into detail about the word Charis. And I could have read that study another day and not felt the same as I did last night.

I don't need to feel happy, or be optimistic to know that He is walking with me, encouraging me, and pushing me forward. I'm so grateful for a God that meets me where I am.

Patience

2009-10-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

I always had to have a plan. Alex is opposite. He is so patient and has no concern over what's ahead. He embraces the fact that God is in control, while I'm always trying to plan our next step. I'm learning that God usually has something different in mind than my plan A or plan B and that my planning is just an allusion of control. I'm not what one would call a control freak, but when it comes to certain things, like this whole adoption process, I tend to want things to go at my speed. This process is going even slower than they said it would and that's when I get all caught up in the "what if's?". What if they lost our paperwork? What if I wrote down the wrong phone number? What if the trainee who did Alex's fingerprinting screwed up? And why do all these questions only come to mind as soon as I try to fall asleep?

It has been two months since we did our fingerprinting and we still haven't heard anything. it doesn't sound like very long but they told us 4 weeks. So we waited and then they said 6. So I decided to wait an extra two weeks without calling because I was sure they were gonna call last week while I was in Fresno. Nope. So I'm going to make calls again tomorrow to politely ask if there is anything else we can do while we wait to hear from the home study agency.

In the meantime I've attended a few parenting and bonding classes, worked on our profile, read up on transracial adoption and children born exposed and addicted to drugs. I'm feeling like I'm on information overload. Not to mention that I'm constantly on Bethany's web forums and Adoption.com reading about other people's adoption experiences.

I'm officially my classes, so I'm doing my online orientation this week and my Foundations for Leadership class starts next week. On top of that I still have two independent study classes I'm working on and I've been leading a small group at church so these this should keep me a little more preoccupied. Hopefully it will make the time go by faster.

Strength will rise...

2009-09-06T16:53:00.001-07:00

I could just say I've had an incredibly busy summer, which I have, but that wouldn't really be truthful about why I haven't blogged lately. The last month has been transitional for me. The bible study I was leading ended, I finished the two classes I was taking (A's in both- Theology wasn't as scary as I originally thought), and one of my best friends moved to start seminary. I start my new classes and my new bible study this week, as well as a few optional foster classes I signed up for. But the last few weeks have basically been spent hanging around the house trying not to think about how slow this process is.

It's one of the frustrating things about the adoption process... all the waiting. And with all the waiting I really have nothing new to write about except how my mind is constantly thinking about babies and children, and how I feel like this is taking forever. OK its only been 3 months since we started. We have everything done but the homestudy. And now we have to wait to be contacted by the agency that the county subcontracts homestudies out to (did you catch that?) Since the State made some big budget cuts, our county is down to 3 placement social workers, so they are having to subcontract their homestudies out to a private agency. Just means more waiting for the extremely impatient me.

I have managed to get the kids room done, and have spent quality time quilting so the bed and crib could have matching bedding. Plus it keeps my hands busy and makes time go by faster.

I keep being reminded by everyone that once we have our children, we will look back and think this time went by so fast. I know there right. I look at my sister with her son Ben and she practically has no recollection of pain of they 3 years she waited for him. Its taking dedication to try to focus on that rather than the wait. The Lord is streching me.

I'll wrap this up with song lyrics from Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin that inspired the title of my blog:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I'm an Auntie!

2009-07-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today was Kristi and Doug's Gotcha Day! They are now offically the proud parents of Bao Fu Gui now known as Ben. Here is what Kris wrote on her blog:

It's official. I got the cutest boy in the whole world. He has been running us ragged. He cried really hard & was a "touch me not" for about 1/2 hour, & gradually warmed up to us. It's been really neat ever since. He is very 2. All energy, but a total sweet heart. He wants to climb everything in site. He loves his Good Night Moon book & Tonka fire truck. We are exhausted all. But when we won him over, oh boy. He called me mama, & Doug Baba. He even kissed Doug before we left the CCAA building. He laughed all the way to the hotel, & has been charming everyone he meets. The hotel staff are shocked about how easy going he is. He hates the crib, loves bananas & chocolate chip cookies. He started clinging more to me at first, but later attached to Doug as well. We couldn't be happier. I feel like I've found myself.

Here are a few pictures of them:

Busy Summer

2009-07-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted a blog in almost a month... oops!

So here is a bullet point update about what is going on here:

- We finished our PRIDE training (the 27 hours of training necessary to adopt through the state) last Saturday. Now we are just waiting for a social worker to contact us to do the home study and live scan. I called our contact person with the county this week, but unfortunately (thanks to budget cuts) we now only have 3 licensing workers for the entire county so it could take longer than we want. I would love to have everything done by the end of July so that we could be licensed by September, but that may be a little overly optimistic :)

- We've set up the "kid's room"! My sister gave me her beautiful crib and we bought a toddler bed that extends to a twin bed at Ikea so the room is "homestudy ready". We are hoping to be approved for up to two children (siblings) between the ages of 0-4. We don't have a lot of kids stuff, but the beds are a start! Here's a picture of the bed we bought:

- Speaking of my sister, Kristi and Doug are in China right now! They left yesterday morning from San Francisco and will be returning home on July 17th. Here's the email they sent me today:

Hi all, We are in Beijing. We arrived on 7/2/09 @ around 1:30 PM Beijing time. The flight was fine with us getting an emergency exit row. We were served three meals. We cleared health inspections teams with no problems. About 6 department of health ladies came abroad the plane at the gate and took the all the passengers temps with a thermal scanner (about two inches from our foreheads). They were wearing gloves, masks and goggles. We made two shopping adventures and ate at Yoshiko's Fast Chinese Food for dinner. We are leaning the art of negotiating with Chinese teenagers for a watch and belt. Also went by McDonald's for a shake and Dairy Queen for Oreo Shake. It's 100 F here (but a dry heat like Fresno). The natives are friendly and helpful. They put up with our attempts to speak Chinese. We will update the baby blog tomorrow (in 12 hours) Love you, Kris and Doug

They will be getting Ben on July 7th, so the next few days should be fun just sight seeing and taking tours. Please keep them in your prayers as they travel!

I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July! We were invited to join some friends on their houseboat on Lake Trinity near Shasta, so we'll be headed out tomorrow. We are looking forward to the wonderful relaxing weekend on the lake with our friends.

Ready, Set, GO!

2009-06-02T09:05:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was our Foster/Adoption orientation with Contra Costa County. We received so much great information! Its funny how different this orientation was from the Fresno County orientation I went to three years ago. This one was much smaller and was put on by volunteers. One of the ladies was a former foster mom for infants and she had so many wonderful things to tell us. I was just eating up all the information.

It also happens that there may be a 60% cut in the funding of their program starting June 30, so we were encouraged to sign up for the next class available - and we did! Our classes start this Saturday! I was happy to hear they did Saturday classes because we can get our hours done so much faster - only 4 weeks instead of 8. We will be done with our training by the end of June! (Can you tell I'm excited?)

It seems like everything is falling into place. They told us it would take between 4-6 months before we are licensed, and I'm praying we are closer to 4 months.

And the Lord keeps providing! My sister found out that her crib doesn't convert to a toddler bed, so she bought a toddler bed and is giving me her nice crib. And a family member is giving us a twin daybed that she doesn't need anymore so the nursery will be set up before we know it. Its so nice to finally see things coming together so easily!

Switching Gears

2009-05-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

After much thought and prayer we have decided to switch gears and adopt through the foster care system. This is something I've have always wanted to do and we are really excited to get started.

Its funny how we've been so set on private domestic adoption, but God just kept tapping on my heart. We have our orientation on Monday and I am ubber excited. We had actually started the process a few years ago through Fresno County but it wasn't really good timing for us at that point. I'm finally ready to finally see this dream become a reality.

Keep us in your prayers as we know this is not an easy road but are preparing for the challenges it has in store for us!

See what happens when I look?

2009-05-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

I finished my autobiography and my questionnaire! Woo Hoo! Now I'm just waiting for Alex to get his done (which he's halfway finished with and I'm amazed. He has finals next week and I've been sweating him getting it done by our May 22nd deadline.)

As a way to congratulate myself for my hard work (it took me 2 FULL days to finish all those stinking questions), I decided I would just LOOK at baby stuff. You know, get ideas for what kind of crib I want and the type of bedding I'd like. I know I want something with yellow in it because its my favorite color. And while I was web surfing I found this...

The entire set is here

Do you SERIOUSLY know how hard I'm am trying to stop myself from buying this!!! One is because I'm worried about buying anything until after my homestudy is approved. Also because I'm debating on whether this is gender neutral. If you've seen what they consider "gender neutral" you'd probably think this is pretty close...

This would be ADORABLE in the "Lion's Den Nursery". Ughhhhh. Why did I ever even look!?!

Expectations?

2009-05-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep.

I've been up for the last hour working on one of the home study questionnaires. The question I'm stuck on is:

What do you expect from your children?

Um, I want them to be happy and healthy..... right? Is that enough?

I want to put something eloquent and profound. Nothing is coming.

The other question I'm stuck on:

What aspects of child-rearing are important to you?

Can someone define child-rearing? That's "raising children" right?

This is Websters Definition

"The training or bringing-up of children by parents or parent-substitutes. It is used also for child rearing practices in different societies, at different economic levels, in different ethnic groups, etc. It differs from parenting in that in child rearing the emphasis is on the act of training or bringing up the child and the interaction between the parent and child, while parenting emphasizes the responsibility and qualities of exemplary behavior of the parent. "

So how is this question any different than the last 3 paragraphs I wrote on how I want to use positive discipline?!?

Yeah, I really need to go to bed....

Paper Pregnant

2009-05-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

We've picked the agency that we want to work with (thank you Kirsten for the recommendation). Alex and I went to the information meeting Saturday and were able to get all of our questions answered and both felt good about moving forward with them. The staff was really nice and very knowledgeable and even though they are a large company they feel like a small office. They have locations in 4 states, but their Bay Area office is literally right down the street from us.

We've just gotten started on the home study paperwork, and boy there is a lot to fill out. I don't remember the last time I had to right a autobiography. Or when I last needed to discuss the things Alex and I usually have disagreements about. But hey, its going to be so worth it in the long run! Of course, I am having panic attacks thinking that we won't pass the home study (apparently that's a pretty common fear, but most people pass). We have a packet of paperwork to do before our weekend seminars at the end of the month. Hopefully I can get these done fast now that we are all moved. The average wait time for a match is 12 months, so we have awhile once our profile is up, but at least we will have our part done.

This is finally feeling real!

Where do I start?

2009-04-22T09:02:00.001-07:00

April has been busy! I can't believe its almost over.

I was looking around my apartment this morning at empty boxes I need to fill and asked my self "Where do I start?"

Than I thought, "hum, that's a good blog title"; so I'm ignoring my empty boxes and writting about what's happened this month instead. So, yes, this is a long post about my month and I'll be amazed if anyone can even get through the first paragraph:)

The Wednesday before Easter I drove down to Fresno to start putting together my sister's shower at my parents house. It was a lot of fun, but also exhausting. I'm so glad I had my mom, Aunt Jan, Karey and Marnie to help. By the time Saturday came around I was so tired - and my tiredness was noticeable on every picture of me. It didn't help that I had a "wardrobe malfunction" which the Ann Taylor dress I had planned on wearing and had to wear another one that wasn't as flattering. But the most important part is that Kristi had a wonderful time! She loved the party and couldn't believe how many people made the trip to come a see her. She felt special and loved and it was totally worth the all the work. (I would post pictures but I forgot to take my camera, so I'm waiting to get some of the pix from my parents.)

Alex and I have decided to move. We found a place in Martinez, which is about 20 minuites south-east of where we are now. We have friends living in the same apartments, so Alex can carpool to school, and the rent is SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper than what we are paying now. So I'm looking forward to living near friends again, and in a town that has more than a just a Walmart for shopping. Martinez is also in Contra Costa County- which is important because we are still considering adopting though the foster care system and they have a great program. We've both felt called to fost-adopt but we are praying about whether right now is the right time.

Last weekend, for our anniversary, Alex and I went to a Weekened to Remember conference in Sonoma. We had been to marriage retreats before and thought this would be similar, but it was so much better! We both feel like we came away from the weekend understanding each other better and more focused on our marriage and each other.

So that's been my month. I guess I have to go pack now....

7 years ago today...

2009-04-20T09:08:00.000-07:00

I married my best friend and made the best decision of my life.

We've had our ups and downs, and some really hard years, but it's all been worth it having my best friend by my side.

Happy Anniversary Hubbs!

Hurry Up and Wait

2009-04-04T10:10:00.001-07:00

I guess I've always assumed that once I wanted to start the adoption process, that the agency I want to work with would have us come in right than and we would get started right away.

Apparently I was wrong. So very wrong.

So the first step is to attend an information meeting, which they usually do one a month. This month we will be at the "Weekend to Remember" conference in Sonoma the weekend of our anniversary's - and of course, this months meeting landing on that weekend, so April's out. Their meeting next month lands on the week of Alex's finals, so May's out. So that means that we can't even start the process until after the information meeting in June.

But that's not all, folks.

The first step in the process is doing the all day adoption seminar. Which isn't until late July. They only do one once every other month, and we can't go to the May seminar because, of course, its the week of Alex's finials.

So I have to wait 3 months to even start the process! Once the process is started (info meeting) they say that it usually takes 3-6 months to do the profile and prepare the home study. So the soonest my profile will be up is in October.

:(

Someone told me adoption was a bunch of "hurry up and wait" but I had no idea it would be like this. Realistically, 3 months is not that long. And we are looking into a few other adoption agencies so it may be sooner.

I'm just so ready for a baby its hard to think logically that things take time. I mean even pregnant women have to wait 9 months before they hold their new little ones!

A quilt for Ben

2009-03-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

I've been in Fresno since Friday helping my mom finish the quilt we've been working on for Ben. Because he's going to be 2 1/2 when he comes home, we made it twin size so he can use it longer.

Kristi had picked out the fabric 3 years ago when she and Doug started the process, and it's hard to believe that she's finally getting her child! The colorful blocks have different kinds of fishes on them. She painted the nursery this weekend in a light "island blue" and is planning on going with a whimsical underwater theme.

Here's a pix of the quilt we are so proud of!

I love working on the quilts but always forget how much work they are. I'm exhausted!

Trying to find the perfect cake

2009-03-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't made one of my "fancy cakes" in a year. Last March was the last wedding cake I did before moving up to Napa. I loved working on my cakes but unfortunately my little kitchen in our little apartment can not handle the amount of buttercream and fondant I could throw at it.

Since I'm co-hosting my sister's adoption shower in a few weeks, I am in search of the perfect cake. Mainly because I don't care for store bought cakes. It been fun but a frustrating search to find a cake design I really like for her shower. I know I want it to be two tiers and possibly basketweave, but after looking on wilton.com and cakecentral.com, I am still coming up with nothing. Looks like I'm going to have to be creative and design it myself.

And since I was feeling nostalgic about my cake decorating, I thought I post my cake slideshow, since I haven't had it up. It does kinda make me want to rethink adopting this year and go to the Culinary Institute of America this year instead. Just kidding:)

I changed the title of my blog

2009-03-22T09:59:00.001-07:00

So yes, I decided to change the title of my blog. Since I didn't want to add "and Adoption" to the end of the title "Marriage, Ministry and Medicine" I thought maybe another title would be better. Plus, I really never liked my old title anyway:)

Photo fun...

2009-03-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

I've seen this on other's blogs. It's a fun little game. Here are the directions:

1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer

2) Select the 4th picture in the folder

3) Explain the picture

4) Tag 4 people to do the same

NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)

Awe!! Its a cute pix of my brother Matt and his wife Beth when they first started dating! Arn't they cute :)

Ok, I don't tag people 'cause I don't wanna leave anyone out, so if you think this is fun - do it! (Thats what my other friend did on her blog and I think its a great idea:)

The secret is out

2009-03-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Since I went ahead and posted it on my "about me" section, I guess I can actually write a blog about it.

Alex and I have decided to start the process for domestic adoption :)

This has been a long time in coming, since we "almost" started at least 3 times in the last 2 years. I've been ready, but Alex really hadn't come around, so this last November I decided to just stop nagging him. I figured that worse case scenario we would wait until he was done with med school to start, but best case scenario, me "not nagging" would give him time to process and think about it without pressure.

Well the "not nagging" method worked for me. As I was praying for the Lord's direction, Alex was also praying, and talking it over with his friends and mentors. I was in shock when last week when he came home from his men's bible study and told me he was ready! Definitely a good shock though. ( I really think Kris and Doug getting their referral helped motivate Alex - he wants our kids to grow up with theirs!)

There are several reason why have chosen domestic adoption over international adoption. One is because several of the countries we are interested in adopting from have strict laws that don't allow people with any history of depression from adopting. Since Alex and I both have been treated for depression in the last 10 years, (seriously though, is there anyone with infertility who hasn't?) that counts us out. Because Alex is in school, he cannot accompany me on trips to other countries for weeks at a time. So that knocks out the remaining countries we'd considered. We both feel like domestic adoption will be a better fit for us in the long run.

So I've called a few agencies and requested information packets. Realisticly, getting started means we will probably be waiting 1-2 years from now before we actually have a baby. I can be optimistic though and pray for a quicker placement :)

I'm so glad we are finally taking this step! It feels like its been so long in coming, yet I can't believe we are actually ready:)

God is Good!

Just had to share

2009-03-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Kristi and Doug are definitely adopting Ben! The decision was final this week (as if there was really any question:) We are all hoping they are able to travel in May to pick him up, but it could be June or July.

They also received a few updated pictures that are so freaking cute I had to share.

I'm already SUPER excited to be an Aunt!!!

After Kristi received the referral, two weeks ago, I drove down and spent the weekend with my family in Fresno. Its definitely changed things - she was expecting an infant girl and is getting a toddler boy. She and Doug are thrilled to be getting him, its mean cleaning all the "girl stuff" out of his room. Than we went with Kris to register at Target for her "baby shower" because Babies R Us really didn't have what she needs for a toddler. Its amazing how the last 3 years has seemed like the "worlds longest pregnancy" for her, but now that she has the referral we are all rushing around to make sure his quilt it made, and the nursery is done and that Kristi and Doug have everything they need to bring this little man home. Its fun though - now I have a reason to buy cute boy stuff :)

Baby Ben

2009-02-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

Kristi & Doug received the referral for this 2 yr old boy last nite. They had to make a tenative decision by 2 pm today. They have submitted their letter of intent to adopt him. They now have 1 - 2 weeks to have his medical files reviewed and make their final decision. He was born with heart problems and had surgery in Jan 08. They have had their doctor review the files and so far is looks like everything is a go. They are waiting for one more review before they make their finial decision.

As of now they are calling him Benjamin.

He is just the most precious little guy and we are all already in love with him.

February - The Good and the Bad

2009-02-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

This months has flown by extremely fast! Several things have happened that I wanted to post about tonight.

First the bad- last Friday, Audrey and Bogart got into one of their fights in the middle of the living room. It was looking pretty bad, with Audrey pinning Bogey, so I jumped in and pulled Audrey off Bogey. As I was walking away with Audrey in my arms, Bogey then came after me and bit my leg. 3 times. I screamed for Alex who was in bed, and he ran in and pulled Bogey away from me. It turned out one of the bites was pretty bad. The result was a 3 inch gash under my knee. Obviously we had to make a very painful decision. On Saturday morning we called a Cocker Rescue and SPCA who both informed us that they couldn't do anything to rehabilitate him because of his age. Apparently because he was so young (not quite two) and already displaying biting and aggression, he would be too much a liability. So Alex took him into the SPCA to have him put down. This was a horribly painful decision, but we felt that we had made the best, most responsible choice. If he would attack me, his mom, he could lash out at anyone. So I have been grieving this week for the loss of my sweet pup, one of my kids, who I never thought would turn on me.

The good news (yes, now that your feeling depressed with me I'm going to cheer you up a little:) - Kris and Doug, (my sister and bro-in-law) just got a call today from Holt with a referral of a little boy in China. He does have a few medical issues that they are talking to a doctor about, but we should know their decision for sure in a week or so, after the doctors review the files. Please be praying for them, that they would know if this is the right child for them. I'll fill in the details about the child when we know more.

Happy 40th Anniversery Mom & Dad!

2009-01-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

A toast to you! Enjoy the Grand Canyon! Love ya both!

Puppy Play-By-Play

2009-01-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

Audrey "Hey, I want the pink ball!"

Bogey "Well you can't have it!"

Audrey "Please!?! Please!?! Give me the Pink Ball!"

Bogey "NO!"

Bogey "Hey! Where did my ball go?"

Audrey "HEHEHE! MINE!"

Bogey "Life sucks."

I'm so easily amused.

Randomness

2009-01-19T22:06:00.001-08:00

I’m still sick but at least it’s also yucky outside. Being sick on a sunny day to makes me feel worse because I’m stuck inside.

I’ve realized the benefits and drawbacks of having a cold living away from home. The drawback is that I can’t just call my mom and ask her to bring over food, magazines, and cough syrup. Alex has been pretty good about that the last couple of days because his classes have only been half days. But today he’s gone from 8am until 9pm because he also has his MPH class tonight, so I’m on my own. The benefit of living far away from home is that I had no problem running to Walmart this morning before I showered, in my sweats, with my hair looking awful and no makeup on. I felt like crap and since I don’t have to worry about running into anyone I know, I didn’t care. So there! (I did, however, get several strange looks as I sneezed and coughed my way through the isles.)

In the midst of all this, I’m suppose to be the ladies from the small group I’m leading at church next month, but after calling 5 of them on Monday, I feel too icky to do anything. I might try to tackle it this afternoon. We’ll see.

My wonderful husband, who has been taking good care of me the last few days, picked up movies for me. Ratatouille and Open Season are both really cute kids’ flicks if you haven’t seen them yet. (I like cartoons when I’m sick- and when I’m not sickJ)

That’s all the randomness for today.

Ick... I'm Sick

2009-01-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

I've caught my 2nd cold in 3 weeks. Yuck.

I caught a mild cold when we came home from Fresno that luckily only lasted a few days. Than Alex got sick and I thought "wow, he's a lot worse than I am - lucky me, I only got a mild version of that virus". He was pretty miserable until Monday, when he finally started feeling a little better. Than yesterday morning I woke up with my lymph nodes feeling like golf balls and my head feeling like it was floating 10 feet above my body. It’s a very strange feeling!

Everything in my house is thoroughly cleaned and disinfected now because I don't want to get sick again. Lysol Wipes are my best friend! And since I don't feel like eating I'm tackling my New Years resolution of losing 20lbs. So good can come of a cold!

So regardless of our beautiful 70 degree weather the last few days- I'm stuck inside.

Bah Humbug.

On a more positive note: My parents are going on vacation next week for their 40th anniversary, so I'm heading to Fresno to run the office - like old times! So hopefully I'll be fully recovered before Sunday and I'll get to spend some time with friends next week.

"I do"... again?

2009-01-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Alex and I have often talked of the idea of renewing our vows on our tenth anniversary. He was actually the one who suggested it a few years ago. I mean I realise my vows do not “expire”. For me it’s a public declaration of us continuing to stick it out through thick and thin.

It’s symbolic for many reasons. One is the many struggles our marriage has been through to get to our ten year anniversary (I’m saying this because we’ve had many struggles to get through in our 7 years). I think anyone who goes through hard times feels a renewal when things start to get better. Our ten year anniversary is the same year as Alex’s graduation from med school, and the year I will hopefully received my ordination through the Foursquare Church. So it will be a year of "ending one chapter, beginning another." Also, or current plan is to wait until Alex graduates to begin our family, so it will symbolize us leaving our “family of two” years behind us.

It’s also important to me because our wedding was not exactly what I had wanted. I wanted a small gathering a family and friends, and an outdoor wedding. I compromised a lot because it was important for Alex to have ALL our friends and family there. So we were married in the church Alex grew up in and had a cake and punch reception. I didn’t like many of my pictures-we hired a photographer who worked from home and the pictures did not turn out like I wanted. I actually like my candids from the wedding the best. By our ten year anniversary we will have the finances to be able to do the reception that I always wanted. I guess, to be honest, I want a do over. (There are obvious differences - we wouldn't accept presents; no bridesmaids/groomsmen, etc.)

So my question is; what do you think of vow renewals?

My husband's going to be a doctor

2009-01-08T10:22:00.001-08:00

Yes I know, most of you are saying "Duh, Janna, he's in med school!"

But until yesterday it hadn't really sank in.

I took a friend of mine to UCSF for a doctors appointment yesterday. As we were walking through the hospital, I kept seeing all the doctors in their long white coats, carrying paperwork and coffee, scurrying through the halls. Some would walk together talking in low tones to one another. And all of a sudden I realise that my husband was going to be one of them someday. After years of waiting he is finally a med school student. In 3 1/2 years, he will be running through the hospital, with his white coat, probably getting coffee for an attending because he will be a resident. In 8 1/2 years he will be doing his fellowship. And in 12 years, when he is finally done with all his training (yes its forever away), he will likely have interns getting his coffee.

I think the strange realization that dates in the hospital cafeteria are not that far away. Right now are the "easy years", or so I've been told. He is memorizing more information than he has had to in his entire life. But he has classes from 8-5, Monday through Friday. At least he's home for dinner, even if he studies while we are eating! When his clinicals start in a year and a half, he will be learning at the hospitals, and the hours can be crazy. That keeps going through residency, when he will be making very little money and working 60-80 hrs a week. And even working as an attending, he's likely to be working more than 40 hrs a week with the speciality he's interested in.

I think I've been so focused on the school part of medicine that I hadn't really thought about what we have waiting for us at the end!

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Learning my Limits

2009-01-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about being at home was going back to Grace Place and seeing friends. One of the worse things about going to Grace place was watching all my friends children running all over the place after church. Don't get me wrong, I love their kids. They are all precious and beautiful. But it reminds me of why I had to stop going to Grace Place last year. It was just too painful to watch everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies while I had empty arms.

I'd be lying if I told you I backed out of Lynae's New Years BBQ just because I was tired. She confirmed to me later what I expected would happen at the party. All but two of the couples there had children. The guys went outside to talk and BBQ while the ladies sat inside and talked about their children. And childbirth. And nursing. And aches and pains. And when I heard this I ached for the two women who didn't have children, because I know them and their struggle with infertility as well. And I realised that if I was there I would have had to go home. It would have been too much. I'm grateful that I know how much I can take.

I have peace within the pain right now. I don't really know how to describe it. I know the Lord is in control, and I have peace with his timing. But I've also gotten to a point where I know my own limits. Hanging out one on one with my friends and their kids is so much fun. I love sitting and visiting while playing with their little ones. But group settings are my struggle. Because the conversation usually turns to what is most important to everyone there - the children. And I know when I have children I will be there talking up a storm. But for now, I'm okay knowing with what I can and can't handle. And not all days are like this. I knew Thursday morning when I woke up it would be too hard for me. It may have not been as hard the week before.

A few weeks ago I bought a baby toy. Its a little stuffed baby lion that plays "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". You may see this as a torture devise, but I see it as a reminder of God's promise. That He will always take care of me. That He knows my deepest dreams and desires. And that one day I will have the children I've been waiting for.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses (from the Amplified Bible)

Isaiah 30:18
"And therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him!"

The grades are in...

2009-01-03T09:42:00.001-08:00

Alex got his grades for his first semester of Med School...

Drumroll please...

STRAIGHT A'S!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

And that includes his MPH class! I'm so proud of my Hus!!!!

What we did on our Christmas Vacation...

2009-01-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

We arrived home last night around 8pm and I was so glad to sleep in my own bed! We had a great time visiting with friends and family while in Fresno, and now we are both ready to get back to normal life.

The best parts of our vacation:

- Went to Grace Place (our church in Fresno) and saw many of our friends that we've missed

- I spent almost an entire day with Lynae and Andrea. Andrea has gotten so big since I last saw her in July! (So had Lynae- but in a good way - she's expecting a baby boy in March)

- Last minute shopping with Beth - I miss my shopping partner!

- We went to Madera Christmas Eve to visit Alex's family there

- Watching Marnie's face as she opened her gift from all of us (we pitched in with my parents and siblings). I have a picture of the exact moment she realised it was an American Girl doll!

- Grocery shopping and long talks with my Mom - I miss her so much :(

- Grandma Lion taking us all (his parents and his sister Rose and her husband Jesse) out to a fancy family dinner (I had duck:)

- Putting together a 1000 piece puzzle with Alex's parents

- Spending an afternoon just hanging out with Cass "like old times"

- My mom's prime rib dinner for dads birthday on New Years Eve - and the look on dads face when he saw the putter Kris and I went in on together!

- Seeing "Despereaux" at the theater with Grandma Lion. It was a great movie!

I'll have to post pictures later (my camera is in my car and I'm feeling too lazy to go outside in the cold to bring it in!)

*Edit- Here's the pictures!

Mom and Audrey on Christmas Eve

Matt & Beth Christmas morning (Matt looked up from the PSP just to take the picture:)Marnie and Kit, her new American Girl Doll (Mom and Karey are in the pix too!)Dad with the birthday cake I made for him - yellow cake with chocolate frosting, just like always!The finished puzzle! Me and Alex and his parents

Productive and Creative

2008-12-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

Alex took his first final yesterday, and has the rest of them later this week. In order to do what I can to help him I've been helping by quizzing him using his flashcards. Which I think must be more amusing for him than me, seeing as pronouncing the names of the words on his flashcards feels like learning a whole new language. Myelocyte... Hematopoiesis... Polychromatic... I have no clue what these are (Alex just informed me that they have to do with blood cell formation - like I even understand what that is.) But it's been helping him so I'll keep quizzing!

Otherwise I've been scrapbooking like crazy. I haven't seen the top of my kitchen table in over a month. I put my sewing machine away and out comes the scrapbooking papers and photos and stickers, oh my. Its a frustrating process. I do one page, hate it when its finished, and walk away leaving everything on the table. Than I come back, end up making 4 pages that are perfect and I don't want to stop. Which is probably good since I haven't scrapbooked any of the gazillion photos I've taken since 2005. I have a little catching up to do.

This week I got everything set up for me to enroll at Life Pacific College in the Fall. I'll be doing their online Degree Completion program in Ministry & Leadership. I have a few classes I have to take before next fall, so I'm working on getting those taken care of. I'm really excited about FINALLY finishing my BA and being able to do what I've felt God called me to many years ago - full time ministry. I'm waiting on God and taking things one step at a time for now.

Better get back to my scrapbook....

Mini Raspberry-Almond Swirls

2008-12-12T15:17:00.000-08:00

One of the pastors at our church is getting married today. When she found out that I like to bake, she asked me if I could make some mini-desserts for her wedding. Of course I said I would because I LOVE to bake and 200 mini desserts sounds like a challenge! She had several people making different mini desserts, and we decided I would make mini raspberry almond swirls. They are sooooo yummy! (Just a side note: I REALLY missed my house and my beautiful big kitchen today!) I just dropped them off at the church after baking all morning but I thought I'd post pictures of my baking adventure.

Here's the recipe if you want to try it yourself. Don't be intimidated by the length of the recipe or the ingredients - its easier than it looks. If you put chocolate on them there more like a dessert but I've also put icing on them and they taste more like a breakfast pastry. Yummy!!!

http://www.pillsbury.com/Recipes/ShowRecipe.aspx?rid=43656

One batch going in the oven and one batch coming out!

The finished product! (Yes there is chocolate on top :)

My Favorite Christmas Present

2008-12-10T13:26:00.001-08:00

On December 13, 2003, I received the best Christmas present I've ever gotten. Here's how the story goes:

I had been suffering with some depression for several months and it had a lot to do with my infertility. A few of our peers were starting their families and I knew it would be years before we would have babies of our own. I started longing for a puppy thinking that it might be a good way to use my natural desire to nurture.

Alex and I were on a mission that day. We drove to all the animal shelters in the nearest towns and couldn't find a puppy for us. While we were in Visalia we decided to stop in the mall. The first store, right at the entrance to the mall was a small pet shop with puppies and kitty's in the windows.I looked in one window to see four beautiful cocker spaniel pups playing with each other. two of them were sable colored, one was black, and the other was a beautiful reddish buff colored with white freckles and white paws. She looked just like Lady from "Lady and the Tramp". Alex said that I immediately pointed at her and said "That's the one I want - that's our puppy!" Alex was instantly in love as well, reminding him of his childhood cocker spainel named Silver or "Silvey". After holding her and playing awhile we paid for her and took her to our car.

She was the smallest little thing, and very quiet. I tried to put her in the crate I had in the back seat but she stared crying, so I gave in and held her while Alex drove. Alex went into A&W to get us dinner but I was so excited that I couldn't eat. She fell asleep in my arm and we talked about what to name her as we drove home. We thought about "Freckles" or "Buffy". We finally decided on "Audrey" because she looked so classy (and we had been watching a lot of Audrey Hephburn movies at the time).

She is our little princess and the best Christmas present ever!

No Christmas Tree, No Christmas Tree, how I will miss your branches....

2008-12-01T14:58:00.001-08:00

We decided not to decorate for Christmas this year. It's kinda depressing, but very practical. All of our Christmas stuff is in storage at our house in Fresno. If we wanted to decorate we would have to bring all that stuff up here, unpack it to decorate, than after Christmas we'd repack all of it up and drive it back to Fresno. Seeing as we're planning on staying in Fresno during Alex's 3 week break anyway, it just seems like too much work. We can enjoy our parents decorations instead!

That being said, I have always started decorating the day after Thanksgiving. Christmas is my favorite holiday so it's taking a lot of self control to hold back and not just buy new stuff. I have, however, already started on my Christmas cards. And I'm going to be baking like I've never baked before. Just because I don't have decorations doesn't me I can't make mom's famous ginger cookies :) I'm also helping decorating at our church this week, so that will help my need to be creative.

We had a nice week in Fresno. Thanksgiving was wonderful as usual, and we were both able to spend lots of time with our families. Beth dragged me out at 4:00am on Black Friday because there was a great sale at Aeropostle and Penny's. Since I'm not going to be there for her birthday in a couple weeks, I joined in on the early morning fun. (Seriously, the only reason I was up at 3:30 am is because she's my sister and I love her and I miss my shopping buddy!) Marnie even tagged along and boy was she a trooper. The best part of the whole morning was when she went up to the counter at Starbucks and order a "Tall, decaf, eggnog latte, please"(Its funny because she's nine!) The look on the cashier's face was priceless! And yes, she drank the whole thing.

I'm still recovering from Fridays sleep deprivation, so I'll be heading off to take a nap now. Toodles.

My little Audrey Dog

2008-11-20T16:46:00.001-08:00

I was going through all my pictures today and I found one that I had forgotten about. It's my fave pix of Audrey. It was taken back at our apartment in Fresno, before Bogey was ever around. She was in the perfect spot at the perfect time, and I had an excellent camera.

Quilting Bee

2008-11-18T12:01:00.000-08:00

For the last few months I've been sewing like crazy. It's worked out well, since my sewing kick corresponded with my mom's urge to get rid of fabric she bought but hadn't used (seriously, don't let my mom or me in a fabric store. We always end up buying fabric for stuff we never end up making). Back in September when I went to visit, we went through everything and found quite a few nice fabrics, as well as panels for baby quilts, so I took them home and went to work. In two weeks time I had made 5 baby quilts, all fairly simple. One of the quilts I had started a few years ago and decided it was time to finish.

So here's a few of the quilts I finished a few weeks ago:

This one was my fave, the one I had started a few years ago and finally finished. It has a cute baby-blue flannel backing with fire-trucks, ambulances, & police cars:

One of my best friends, Lynae, is expecting a baby boy, Caleb, in March. The walls of the nursery are a bright yellow, and she wanted that incorporated in the quilt as well as a race car theme. I found a great flannel with race cars to use as the backing, and the other fabric's matched perfectly. Here's the quilt I just finished today!

And now that I'm feeling nostalgic, I think I'll post a pix of the quilt I did for Andrea, Lynae's daughter:

Well that was fun! I have a few "expectant mothers" in mind for the quilts I made, and I'm planning on donating the rest to a local foster care agency. It gives me joy to know that babies will be cuddled up in these quilts soon!

My new job

2008-11-08T16:36:00.001-08:00

Woo hoo! Yesterday was my last day at BoA. Today I started my new job as a .... drumroll please... a housewife!!! Ok, well at least for the next few months. I get to go home (to Fresno) this week, and the week of Thanksgiving, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm signed up to volunteer time with childrens minstry at our church. I can't wait to finally catch up with my friends that I haven't seen or talked to in forever. And maybe, just maybe, I'll finally get through the huge pile of clean clothes that never seems to get hung up. Do you know what I'm talking about? The pile that goes from the dryer to the basket, than pulled out of the basket the day you need to wear it and has to be ironed 3 times to get all the wrinkles out?!? I know I'm not the only one :)

No sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching soap's for me!

The Dream

2008-10-30T18:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that felt so real I woke up feeling disoriented. In my dream I was in another country, traveling to visit up the child we were apparently adopting. I was in a bus than in a taxi and then finally arrived to the area where they had the children. It was there they handed me a 18 month little girl, with light red hair a brown eyes. I just sobbed and sobbed, feeling so relieved to finally have the child I'd been longing for, my child in my arms. In the dream I held her and sang to her and played with her for a little while. When it became apparent that we would have to leave, I held her close and told her I would be back for her, and not to be sad that our home would be waiting for her. Even thinking about it now gives me chills.

I have learned that infertility is a part of who I am but it doesn't define me. The anger toward God that I struggled with, over the last few years especially, has dissipated as my dream of having children has changed. I know I will never become pregnant, be able to feel my baby move inside me, or experience child birth. But after eight years of mourning that broken dream, my dream has changed. I know someday I will have a houseful of children that probably look nothing like me or Alex, or each other for that matter. I can't wait for that day to come. I can't wait to get the referral of a waiting orphan and travel to their birth country to pick them up. I'm excited to find out more about surrogacy and see if that's a good path for us to take. I'm looking forward to become a foster mom and my home being a safe haven for children who need one.

Since Kristi & Doug are adopting from China right now I get a little taste of what the process will be like. We are getting excited as the wait is finally starting to seem not so endless. If all goes as planned she should be getting her referral by May. We are getting the baby blanket done, her bedroom furniture put together, and I went with Kris to register at Baby's 'R' Us. I'm excited for what parenthood has in store for them and waiting in anticipation for my new little niece.

I'm also feeling my "biological clock ticking". We’ve been married 6 years now, and nearly all of our close married friends have children already. We made a decision last year for Alex to pursue medical school while we are still “young” which means children are going to have to wait until the he starts residency, which is four years away. I'm aware that by making the decision to go through medical school we would be putting the dream of children on hold for a little while longer. And I'm okay with waiting. But when I wake from dreams like the one I had last night, I long for the little ones that someday will fill my aching empty arms.

Cassy and Janna do San Francisco!

2008-10-29T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have been missing my best friend, Cassy, something terrible since we moved. And because of her work schedule and financial reasons she hasn't been able to come up and visit. So I was thrilled to find out a few weeks ago that she was coming to visit for her birthday! Of course we had to plan something big, so we decided that a day in San Francisco was the thing to do.

She came up Monday night and we went out to dinner to celebrate her birthday (10/25) and Alex's bday (10/27) as well as my quitting my job(see previous post). Tuesday I had the day off so we took the ferry from Vallejo into SF. We spent the day window shopping on Pier 39, watching the sea lions, and walking around Fisherman's Wharf. We talked so much my jaw was hurting by the time we were ready to head home. There's nothing quite like spending a day with your best friend.

Cassy & I on Pier 39 (see the sea lions behind us?)

Taking a break from shopping
Even sea lions itch!
Cass watching our fave free entertainment
Our ferry coming to take us home
"Port of an Francisco!" the "S" was burned out
Enjoying the view leaving the city on the ferry

Bye, Bye, B of A!

2008-10-29T19:08:00.000-07:00

I put in my two weeks notice on Monday. My last day at BoA is on November. And no I do not have another job lined up. I plan on working at a temp agency because that will give me the flexibility I would like, so I can go home and visit my family much more!

And as kamikaze as this all sounds, Alex and I are both a peace with it. He is the one who encouraged me to give my notice this week. Last week was horrible (to say . the least - I came home from work on friday in tears.)I have refrained from talking about my job on here because this is a PUBLIC blog and I wouldn't want to post things that could get back to my boss. Lets just say it has been a VERY STRESSFUL position for me, to the point where I have been physically ill. So this is a much anticipated and very exciting change!

One step forward...

2008-10-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have great news that I almost forgot to tell ya!

A few weeks ago I applied for a position with Sonoma County. It's an "Project" administration position that only last 24 months, but has full county benefits a EXCELLENT pay. By excellent I mean take my current salary and double it. That's the starting pay. I applied for this job and answered some very detailed questions about my previous skills and past experience in administrative work.

I must have done well on the application because I found out today that I'm invited to take the written test. They are only doing the test one day and from what I understand, the applicants who score the highest are invited to a interview.

Now I'm asking for all your prayers that I do well on this test! If you send me an email I'll let you know the date and time.

PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!!

Do you see what I see?

2008-10-23T20:20:00.001-07:00

I went to the eye doctor last week and discovered that the reason I have been having trouble driving at night and getting headaches a work (okay, maybe not the only reason for the headaches) is because I am slightly farsighted and need glasses. Fun.

I was not looking forward to glasses. I've never worn glasses. And they made me pick out my frames after they dilated my eyes. So I picked out a pair I like the best which, the strangers at the doctors office also agreed looked the nicest(which happen to be one of the least expensive and covered by my insurance - woo hoo!) and hoped that I wouldn't look goofy.

I wore them today at work and, what do ya know, I really like them! I was complimented several times today, and best of all, no headaches! I think adjusting to glasses is going to be easier for me than I expected.

Maybe now I'll read more?!? I seem to have the librarian look down!

Two for Tuesday

2008-10-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is the last cake I did before moving. I miss doing cakes! Which leads me to missing my old kitchen (if you saw it you know why I miss it!), because it is SOOOO hard to get out all my stuff and work on cakes in this kitchen. Maybe I need to start making cupcakes.... hummm.... there is a "Sugar Marshmallow Cupcake" recipe I've been wanting to try. It's lemon chiffon cupcakes with swiss meringue buttercream frosting garnished with marshmallow and colored nonpareil "flowers". Might have to try that and then post about them!

Lately I've been dreaming and scheming of ways I could actually go to the Culinary Institute of America for the Baking and Pastry Chef program. Haven't come up with anything yet, but I'm still working on it. Sometimes it feels like I dream in colored buttercream frosting.

A picture says a thousand words

2008-10-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

"Napa's been fun. Can we go home now?"

Wine Tasting Pictures!

2008-10-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

Almost forgot! Mom and Aunt Jan came down two weeks ago to go wine tasting and we had a blast. Just wanted to post a few pix!

Mom and Jan in front of the Culinary Institue of America

Mom and I wine tasting on a cave tour

Mom and Jan tasting the BEST WINE EVER (I forget what it was called)

No News...

2008-10-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have not been good at updating lately! Mainly because there's not much to tell. I'm still waiting to hear back from CIA about the job I applied for last week. I'll definitely update if I hear anything new about that!

So I guess I'll share my "hair story" with y'all. I went in and had my hair cut 3 weeks ago and the lady did a nice job, just not what I wanted. I wanted a cute, short cut, and I think she was afraid of cutting my hair short because I got a bob with bangs.

Here's the bob:

So I tried to live with it for the last few weeks. I received so many compliments at work on how nice it looked. I ended up having to straighten my hair everyday in order for it to have this cute piecy look I really wanted. And I had no clue what to do with the bangs. Oh, and a side note, Alex absolutely hated my haircut.

So yesterday, after finally feeling like there was no way that I wanted to keep messing with my hair like this or grow it out, I made an appointment at different salon that was recommended by a friend at work. I told her what I wanted and she made EXTRA sure that I REALLY wanted my hair THAT short. I confirmed I did and away my hair went.

Now I have my PERFECT HAIRCUT!!

I don't know if the photo does it justice but its a cute, piecy pixie cut. I makes my hair look fuller (a figment of the imagination) and flatters my face! I know the girls are all going to gasp when I walk into work tomorrow and tell me I'm crazy and I'll hear: "Your hair is so short! I would never dream of cutting my hair shorter than my shoulders!" I don't even care because I love it so much. (Its not my fault all that the girls I work with have long thick hair and I ended up with this thin mess to work with:)

Alex told me its the best haircut he's seen on me in years :)

Two more things I forgot to mention...

2008-10-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

I cut my hair! Just in case you voted and was waiting to hear what I did. I have bangs too! I'll post a picture as soon as I can get a good one!

Mom found a posting for a job opening that I am perfect for at the CIA (Culinary Institute of America). I sent in my resume and now am just waiting to hear back. Keep me in your prayers!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2008-10-10T08:19:00.000-07:00

Every weekend this last month has been filled with something to keep me away from bloggerland! Sept 18-20 I went to San Jose to meet Mom, Kristi and Beth, as well as Lynae and her mom, to attend an Joyce Meyers Confrence. It was awesome and I beleive all of us left feeling refreshed and more on fire for the Lord. Than the weekend following that, Alex and I met a few of my coworkers at Great America and spent the day there. It was a lot of fun, but I don't think I was a good idea to use my only day off that week to go on another trip!
Last weekend was the highlight of my month that I've been looking forward to since we move here! Mom and Aunt Jan came up to visit and do a "girls wine tasting weekend". It worked perfectly because Alex went on a men's retreat so it was truely just us girls. We dined and wonderful restraunts, and hit a few nice wineries to sample some wonderful wines. We even went to the Culinary Institute of America in St. Helena and watched a cooking demostration. Now I know how to make a wonderful shrimp Risottio!!!
Anyway just wanted to fill ya'all in just in case you thought I dropped of the face of the earth!

Should I cut or should I grow?

2008-09-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm in a debate with my hair. I like it short. I like it long. But I don't like it in between. So I'm trying to decide if I'm going to cut it again or keep trying to grow it out. Such a hard decision to make by myself so I'm going to post pic's of me with long and short hair below and let you vote! Let me know what you think I shoulds do! (oh and its anonymous-I"ll have no idea who votes what!) If you need to see more pictures of me with different hair lenghs you can click the link to my myspace page and look at the pictures in my albums there.
Now:

Short:

Long (not a great pix of alex though):

5 Things I Don't Like

2008-09-13T19:21:00.000-07:00

Here's the oh-so-obvious follow up to my last post!

1) I've gained weight. In the last 6 months I've gained a total of 20 lbs.Holy Crap Batman! The stress of moving and changing job (heck changing everything) has effected my waistline because I'm a certifiable STRESS EATER! We started eating health er last month and I've dropped 3 lbs, so I'm 17 lbs away from goal again. Still my suits I bought for work in April still don't fit, so I have a ways to go.

2) I miss EVERYONE! I call my mom almost every day on my way home from work. Some days are harder than others and its getting better, but I still wish I could just call someone to run to Target with me.

3) My job doesn't stimulate my brain. 'Nuff said.

4) I'm working so many hours that I have no motivation to do anything on my days off. Which means the dishes and laundry either don't get done or only get half done (if you ever come to visit you've heard the phrase "ignore the pile of clean clothes on the couch.)

5) There's no place like home. Have you ever tried to live in a 1000sq foot apartment after living in a 1700 sq ft house? I miss my house! I'm counting down the days until clinicals start, even though we may not be back in Fresno for clinicals, I can still hold out hope!

5 Things I Like

2008-09-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

I've compiled a list of the 5 things I like about Alex being in med school. Here they are for your reading enjoyment.

1) We see more of each other now than we did when Alex was working EMS! Alex and I have pretty much the same schedule, so, for the first time in our 6 years of marriage, we are waking up and going to bed together at the same time.

2) Home cooked meals. Yes I'm cooking more because, if you read above, Alex is home more. It was kinda pointless before to cook every night for 1, so I use to just cook on nights he's home. Now I "get" to cook everyday!(lets see how long I stay excited about that)

3) The weather up here is gorgous! Its nice and cool in the mornings and warm in the afternoons. I definatly didn't miss Fresno's famous 113 degree July's.

4) I married to a man who LOVES to read. This may not seem a big deal, but in med school it has proved to be a HUGE advantage for him. He just reads the textbooks and somehow just absorbs the information. Which means he doesnt spend all night studying and cramming. Which means that we actually go on dates, and walks, and spend time together. And he studys while I blog :)

5) We are eating healthier. Now that Alex is learning about things like, for example, fatty liver, we are eating food that are better for us! We've both cut out liquor and coffee, and are trying to stay away from high fat foods. We're even working out together in the mornings.

Wow

2008-09-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

I just saw this video on a friends blog. All I can say is WOW. It's a song and video about a woman struggling with infertility. I have totally felt this way before.

*disclaimer - its a little depressing - just so you know

'Not so' hostile takeover

2008-09-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

Yes I've changed the page. I've officially made this my blog to tell everyone about "our lives". The main reason is because I wanted to make the page "more girly". That and Alex hasn't written anything in the last 4 months since I started it so why not make it mine! He's still free to contribute :) So you'll probably be seeing some changes to the background - hope you still enjoy my blogging!

But Why, God?

2008-09-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

(I've been struggling on waiting on God's timing for children the last few months, and found this devotion to be encouraging. This was a devotion posted on the Stepping Stones Infertility Forums that I have re posted because I thought it may be of help to others who are waiting on God's timing.)

But Why, God?
**Devotion from ninetyandnine.com**

Wait—it’s a hard word. Who is delighted at having to stop at a red light or gets excited about waiting in a long line? Waiting is especially hard when you are waiting for a prayer to be answered. We can be assured that our prayer is heard and will be answered, but the timing of the answer is in God’s hands. Waiting times are trying times. In my own experience of waiting, I have felt many questions about why the wait is so long. Weariness in waiting comes when I see desires fulfilled and prayers answered in the lives of friends. I am sincerely happy for them and rejoice with them, but I admit it makes the waiting harder. I get frustrated with myself when the questions fill my heart and I struggle to keep the vision clear. The enemy has taunted me asking, “Where is your God? What is He doing for you?” Though I grow weary, I remember the words of Isaiah,”The everlasting God…fainteth not, neither is weary…there is no searching of His understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might He increaseth strength… But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength…” (Isaiah 40:28-31). When I am discouraged and filled with questions, I pour it out before the Lord. David encouraged this, “Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah” (Psalm 62:8 ). My God has infinite understanding. Pouring out to Him draws me closer to Him. In these times He speaks to me, encourages and strengthens me to continue waiting on Him. I know He is MY God, MY friend, and He is on MY side. The way to wait on the Lord is worship and the Word. “I wait for the Lord…and in His word do I hope” (Psalm 130:5). Worship takes the focus off of ourselves and places it on our faithful Savior. We see by the examples in His Word that He is faithful and this waiting time is for His higher purpose. David and Joseph experienced waiting times between a calling, a dream, and the fulfillment thereof. Their waiting times were shaping times used to prepare them for the positions God had for them. The Word assures us that those who wait on the Lord will not be ashamed. David wrote, “I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined unto me and heard my cry…many shall see it and fear and shall trust in the Lord”(Psalm 40:1,3). Your waiting time is a testimony of God’s faithfulness. He uses circumstances in our lives to show others He meets us where we are, He will walk with us, and He will keep His promises. Your testimony of answered prayer and fulfilled desire will cause others to fear God and put their trust in Him. Isaiah 55:8-11 is an encouraging text as it tells us God’s word never returns void. It always accomplishes His purpose. The word He spoke to you will come to pass. The vision He gave you for your life will be fulfilled! “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord” (Psalm 27:14).

Systematic Theology 1

2008-08-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I received my distance learning packets a few weeks ago with the two bible classes I elected to take. Life Pacific requires I take 4 bible classes before I start the degree completion program so this is my way to test the waters and see if I'm really going to do this. So the one I'm really enjoying is Intro to Biblical Literature. I'm learning about the bible in a much deeper way that I'm really enjoying. I'm amazed at how the little things I didn't know make so much more sense now.
So the other class I'm taking is Systematic Theology 1. Alex told me this would be a great class for me to take to understand Christian theology better. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have listened to Alex! Just kidding. To tell you the truth, I'm intimidated. This is what the beginning of the course description says:
"Systematic Theology 1 is a study of the sources, methods, and doctrines of Christian theology. Particular attention for this study will be given in the areas of Theology Proper (study of the doctrine of God), Christology (study of the person of Christ), Anthropology (study of the doctrine of man), Hamartiology (study of the doctrine of sin)."

Christology?!? Harmartiology?!? What have I gotten myself into!

White Coat Ceremony

2008-08-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

So last weekend was the official "White Coat Ceremony" at Touro where all the new students get their white lab coats and the official title of "student-doctor". It was a nice ceremony very similar to a graduation.

Alex's parents and grandma came up to be at the ceremony and we had a really nice time! We all had dinner at our apartment on Saturday night, than went out to ice cream for desert! Sunday was the white coat ceremony and afterward we went to Alex's favorite restaurant "Dead Fish" for and early dinner. His grandma was very generous and invited Alex's close friend from school, Max, and his sister Monica.

I'll post more when life becomes more interesting! So far life's consisted of studying (Alex) and working (Me).

I Bagged a Coach!

2008-08-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

I'm off on a Saturday! Can you believe it - its practically a miracle! LOL. Actually I'm only kinda off - I have to go in for a work meeting at 2:30 to 4:30. bah humbug! oh well, I'm enjoying it while its lasts :)

We had a great time with Rose and Jesse last weekend while they were staying with us. I had to work on Friday and Saturday while they were here, but we were able to fit in some quality shopping time at the outlets. And Rose and I each both got our "first" Coach purses! And before some of you gasp at the use of my clothing budget, let me explain the purchase:

I had been eyeing a certain Coach purse since i saw a customer at work with it. It had a strap so you can wear it across your body, and the bag was just big enough to fit what I needed but small enough that I wouldn't be throwing out my back by carrying it. When I went online to look at the prices, I decided I could do without. The one I had wanted was around $150 - a good price for a Coach purse, but not something I could justify for myself. Well Rose has been wanting one as well but was facing the same dilemma as me with the price, so we decided to go to the Coach Outlet in Napa. It was crazy in there! Lots of people and lots of purses! We looked at several, before we found the clearance rack (mama taught me well!). Then I saw it - a purse exactly like what I had been wanting before on the "Additional 50% off" shelf! So I did the math and purse would only be $60! I could afford that! So I used over half of my monthly clothing budget to buy this purse (Alex just rolls his eyes because he really doesn't get it). Rose found a similar deal on a bag bigger than mine but with the same fabric. I figured that that's what I would have spent on two purses at Sears so I could justify it in my own mind. I REALLY love my purse!!!

SIGN MY GUESTBOOK!!!

2008-08-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! If you've noticed I've rearranged our page and added some things. One of those things is a guestbook! Please sign it to let me know you stopped by!

Thanks bunches!

Janna

Books and Scrubs

2008-08-06T21:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the rental office ot pick up a package they had for us - turned out to be 3 packages - all of Alex's books! I got my strength training in today just walking back to our apartment. Turns our those 3 package held 6 textbooks!

Today was my day off and it was so nice to be able to get stuff done! I was able to run all my errands, clean the house, do the laundry, play with the dogs, and even finally put pictures in the frames that I’ve been meaning to hang up ever since we move here. Yey for productivity! Seriously though, Alex was gone from 8am to 9pm – what else was I to do?!?

Last night was our first shopping trip for scrubs.
We went to the Walmart next to our apartments but they didn’t have the light blue color that one of his classmates said they had to get (the color the residence in Grey’s Anatomy wear). So we drove to Vallejo to Costco to see if they carried scrubs still – no such luck – they discontinued selling them a few months ago. So we decided to drive out to Walmart in Fairfield and -ta da! – we found them in his size and the right color. I just had to do a little hemming to get the leangth right and they are perfect. (Found out today that he could wear any color blue so I’m going to get him the navy pair so that my “McDreamy” nickname for him really fits J)

Anatomy lab starts Friday! Its still hard to believe that after all this time, he is halfway thru his first week of MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!

Back to School!!!

2008-08-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

Alex started med school orientation today, and so far so good. His actually classes start on Thursday. He also has two more weeks of the summer MPH classes, so that means he's at Touro from 8am -9pm until his summer classes are out. I should become very familiar with the term "med-school widow" this week!

So July flew by for us, as I had stated in my previous post, but I'm looking forward for what August has in store. Alex's sister and her husband are visiting this weekend so we are excited about being able to spend some time with them.

The bank is finally fully staffed so I'm working between 35-40 hrs a week now, much better than the 45hr a week I was working in May and June. The even gave me all labor day weekend off so that's something I'm looking forward to.

I've also decided to finish my bachelor's degree. I've currently applied at Life Bible College's Degree Completion Program. They are located in Southern Cal but they have a program where I can complete my degree (AS to BA) in Ministry and Leadership from online one night a week. I've had an itch to finish my Bachelor's for a few years now and I think I've finally found the one major that I can't say "but what if I never use it?". For several years now I've felt a burden for women who struggle with infertility like I do. I've spoken with friends who have the same struggle and I'm amazed at how hard it is for women with this burden to find support at church - mainly because no one (especially women going through infertility) wants to talk about it. So I'm following where I feel God is leading me. And for right now that means a degree in Ministry and Leadership. I 'm really looking forward to what God has in store for us as I continue to pursue my education.

Yum... BBQ!!!

2008-08-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

We were craving home cooked BBQ like my dad makes and knowing that Alex starts classes tomorrow we decided to do something a little special to celebrate. So I called dad and got some good tips on how to make an excellent tri tip. First we headed over to Walmart to get a BBQ ($17 on clearance – woo hoo!), Charcoal, a charcoal chimney, and a tri tip (yes, I love having a Super Walmart* so close that we walk to buy groceries). Than Alex drove to Safeway to get seasoning (they didn’t carry the one we liked at Walmart) while I set up the BBQ. I followed the directions just as dad told me (after many phone calls throughout the process – thanks dad!) and we ended up with the best tri tip I’ve ever made!!!! So hats off to the Master of the Grill – my dad! He is defiantly the one to call if you want some seriously good BBQ eats!

(*disclaimer – I have never been a big fan of Walmart. In Fresno, I would rarely go into one. But considering the nearest Target is 8 miles away, and involves getting on three freeways, and that gas was $4.13 a gallon last time I filled up, the Super Walmart next to our Apartment that we can walk to has become one of my favorite places for economical reasons. I mean where else can you go and buy slacks for work and chicken for dinner at the same time?)

Whoops.. July is almost gone!!!

2008-07-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

I guess you can probably tell that July was a little busy for us!?! It seems like every weekend we had something going on. We spend fourth of July with Alex's friends from school in Benecia where we watched fireworks over the bay - that was pretty awesome. One of my coworkers had her wedding the next day so we went to the reception and Alex was able to meet many of my work friends. Than the next weekend we drove back to Fresno for my birthday. The next weekend our close friends Lynae & Andrew came up from Fresno to visit us, and we were able to get in some wine tasting together. To top that, I had a week of vacation from work (7/23 to 7/29) so I decided to go home and spend time with family which turned out to be one of my best vacations ever. Its so nice to come home from a vacation and feel well rested and ready to start again, which is exactly how I feel this week.

Alex is finishing his summer MPH classes next week and starts his regular Med School classes the next. I know its going to be a lot more work for him, but we are both really looking forward to his schedule being similar to mine starting next month.

Well, I'll just leave you with a few pictures of us during this last month of busy-ness!

Alex and I in Benicia before the fireworks started

Wine tasting with Lynae and AndrewBeth and I with her new lab Mocha at Shaver Lake

Routine

2008-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Well, we've pretty much settled into a routine. I go to work Monday through Saturday, with usually a day off during the week as well as Sunday's. Alex has his classes Monday through Thursday from 6-9 which is usually when I am home. We have church on Sunday morning and than we spend the afternoon together before starting a new week. Not the most exciting but I feel good that we have a routine down. And, all of that will change in August when his DO classes start.

I miss having friends around. In Fresno I could call Cass up to run to Target or go get ice cream with me, or see if Beth wanted to come over and make cookies, or meet Lynae for lunch if I had some time off. Its hard meeting new people. We're both trying to get plugged into our new church, EastBay Fellowship (different than the one I had previously listed. One of Alex's classmates goes there and we decided to go and LOVE it. Its a perfect fit for us - even with a 45 min drive). Alex is involved in a Men's group, but the new women's groups don't start until fall, so I'm waiting 'til then. Everyone at work is really nice but - well, its just hard to make friends like the one's I have at home. I'm learning to be more open about myself, which is hard for me, but I think its easier to make friends when I make myself a little vulnerable as well.

Work has gotten easier and they finally filled the last open position so by the end of July we'll be fully staffed again and I'll get to every other Saturday off. Woo Hoo! Alex's classes are going good but he there is a heavy political influence in what he is learning, most of which he doesn't agree with, so that's been a hard hurdle to get over. But the summer session is half way over and time is flying fast!

We are both relying on God more than we have in a long time. Maybe it has to do with being away from everyone else but I feel like I have a better walk with the Lord since we've moved here. I'm also praying about finishing my degree, and getting my BA in Ministry and Leadership. Life Pacific Bible Collage offers a Degree completion program that I am considering enrolling in. It's kinda ironic to me that I feel lead in that direction, because I had wanted to go there right after high school, but they were not fully accredited at the time, and I was giving advice to wait. Now they are fully accredited, and I am hundreds of miles away, but I could still get the degree by completing classes online. I love modern technology!

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. My laundry needs folding and Audrey needs a bath, so I'd better get started on my chores!

A “Memorable” Weekend

2008-05-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

Memorial day weekend couldn’t have come soon enough! I worked 45hrs last week and I was so exhausted by the time I got off work on Saturday at 2:30pm. I was looking forward to two days off in a row. The best part - my parents came to visit!!!

So I came home to my parents already here and a clean apartment (two very great things in my bookJ) We headed out to Benicia for an early dinner and had a wonderful dinner at “Captin Blyther’s”. The food was amazing and we had a wonderful view of the ocean and the Al Zampa Memoral Bridge (which is a lot prettier than it sounds!). We spend some time wondering around downtown Benicia - can you tell it was windy? after we became tired of walking around in the wind and cold we headed over to Mare Island where Alex showed us where is school is (I still hadn’t seen it either.) Mare Island is so cool with all the old abandoned military buildings!

Sunday we drove out to Ikea and spent the morning shopping–because what’s a trip to the bay area without a stop in Napa??? After the guys took a short nap we headed out for the Napa Valley Wine Train. The food was wonderful and the wine was some of the best I’ve ever drank. It was so nice to see all the vineyards between Napa and St. Helena. We all agreed that it’s so much different in a train because when you’re driving you don’t get a chance to actually see all the vineyards as you pass them. It was fun to walk up and down through the different cars in the train.

Monday we headed to Napa for breakfast at one of Alex and my recent restaurant finds in downtown Napa, than went out to the Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield where Dad and I were “Bamboozled”. Apparently they have these new Jelly Beans that look like normal flavors but are actually really gross ones, like baby wipes, vomit, and rotten eggs, and they call them there Bamboozled flavors. We didn’t know that, so we spun the wheel of horrors and got to taste those awful new flavors. Maybe a fun prank to play on someone but I’m not that mean! Anyway dad and I got lovely stickers to prove we were “Bamboozled”. The tour was nice but I think we’ll have to do it again on a week day instead of a holiday, so we can see everything in motion.

The weekend was wonderful. It was so nice to see my parents who I have missed so much since moving. It’s like having a little piece of home come here for a few days. A much needed piece of home. Now if I can only get a day off so I can actually go home for a few days and see everyone else that I miss so much…

Mobile blogging...

2008-05-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

So guess where I am?!? I'm in the car on the way to orientation in San Francisco (no, I'm not driving - Alex is :) Have I told you how much I hate driving in Bay Area traffic? Also how much I really hate being in SF? And why is it that its required I go to orientation after already working one week at the branch? Interesting....

Anyway, blogging right now is helping me not be a "Nervous Nelly" and drive my husband insane by by backseat driving (is it still called 'backseat driving' if I'm sitting in the front seat? Sorry I ponder some really stupid things when I'm up this early and have massive amounts of coffee in me.)

So we found a church! Its this little Foursquare church in Napa called Napa Foursquare Church (ironic huh?). It is exactly what we were looking for! The church is like one big family. The pastor is great - not afraid to tell it the way it is and the message yesterday was awesome. Afterward we went out to lunch at this amazing restaurant with, basically, everyone from the church. Pastor John's son-in-law owns the restaurant - and it was amazing. Its even Zagat rated! I'm definitely taking anyone who comes and visits us, out to lunch there.

So, we are getting closer to SF and the traffic is getting thicker.... and since I'm blogging I'm not biting my nails - woo hoo!!! I really don't think its fair that carpool lane here is for 3 or more people. I should have brought Audrey with us... she counts right? LOL.

Its cold and foggy-ish up here today - a much needed break from all the heat we had over the weekend. (Can you tell yet that now I'm just trying to come up with things to type so that I don't have to pay attention to the traffic?)

We just went thru the toll to get on the bay bridge... okay I'm not going to have a panic attack, I'm not going to have a panic attack, I'm not going to have a panic attack...

Do I sound convincing?

Orientation starts at 8:30 and its already 8:09... I wonder if I'm going to be late... well hopefully they understand. And I need to pee!!! That was probably TMI.. sorry.

Alex is such a good driver! He handling merging traffic with no problem. Probably from his years driving an ambulance.

Ok, I guess I'll finish this post. I'm sure we'll get there in one piece. and later I'll try to post the picture of traffic I took on my phone.

Everyday is a winding road...

2008-05-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, sorry I haven't blogged for awhile. Its been a hectic week since moving and we finally have connection to the Internet again! We just got back from a funeral for my (Janna) Aunt Sis who passed away on Sunday. It was a time of saying goodbye and grieving but we also got a chance to see dear family who we don't see often. As my cousin Daven put it "She (Aunt Sis) had a way of getting everyone together".

We moved on Sunday May 4th without too may issues. The movers were excellent, exceeding my expectations, and eliminating all doubts I had of movers. The apartment is beautiful! It really does feel like a home. The whole complex is only a year old so we have all new appliances, and new carpet and nice features such as neutral beige paint (instead of boring white) and crown moulding. None of those thing are necessary in a place but it does make it feel more "homey". We we able to get everything unpacked accept my cake decoration supplies (I miss my cabinet space!) by the end of last week. Bogey and Audrey are getting use to the routine and the neighborhood. Things are feeling a little more settled now.

Alex had orientation last Thursday and started classes on Monday. He really likes the classes and has made several friends. I started work on Monday, and, well, I think I'll really like my job once I'm actually fully trained. Training is hard and they are short staffed and the branch manager is on maternity leave so its making training a little more difficult than it probably normally is. But I'll get the hang of it soon and I think I'm going to really like working in banking. The irony of our schedule is that for now I'm working from 10am - 6pm and he has classes through the summer from 6pm - 9pm. At least we have weekends together, which is still more than we had when he was working as a medic!!!

I know there is a lot more to post but its been a long day so I going to spare you all the details that I know you want so that I can rest and maybe write a "part two" later.

It's starting to feel real now...

2008-04-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

(by Janna)

So, I've tried to start this blog several times the last week, but I seem to only get through one line before I have to do something else. So here's a quick update on what is going on with us right now:

I got a job!!! I got a call last Monday morning(4/21) from Bank of America telling me that I had a phone interview that afternoon. I did so well on that interview that they scheduled me a interview with the branch manager of the BOA in downtown Napa for Wednesday (4/23). To make a long story short, the interview went really well and they called me on Friday to offer me a full-time benefited position making $2.50 an hour more than what I expected to be making! Praise the Lord! So I start my two week training in San Francisco on May 19th, than will be working in Napa (only 7 miles from our apartment) after that. I'm so glad to know that I have a full time job waiting for me as well as two weeks off before I start so that I can get us settled into our new place.

While mom and I were in American Canyon, we stopped by the apartment complex we will be living in. I had only seen pictures online, since Alex was the one who went up last month to look for a place. Our apartment is really nice! I will have to adjust to living in an apartment again, but it is definitely the nicest apartment of any we've lived in. Its walking distance from a Walmart Super Center that is actually really nice. And its has lots of green areas to walk the dogs, so they should enjoy it as well.

Slowly but surely the boxes are getting packed and this move is starting to feel real. All the details have been figured out, and all that I've been stressing over the last few months now seems like such a waste of time. Matt & Beth will be renting our house which is such a relief knowing that things will be taken care of. And Alex and I are trying our best, between packing and running errands, to spend time with our friends and family this week. We are also planning a trip to San Francisco on Wednesday so that I can get my fingerprinting and paperwork done for my new job.

That's the update on us. We move on May 5th, one week from today!